Sneak Attacks

(yes I know it’s been two months and there is a tonne of sprocket related updates to be given – and there will soon be a post full of awesome stories of crawling, the world of solids, first word and how fortunate we are to have had some amazing family time the last 6 weeks - but I really needed to get this out first)

We always knew that we wanted more than one child, and despite how difficult/long/expensive our journey to get to one was, we still want at least one more (preferably two). However there are a lot of realities that we have to deal with, the first being that financially it is not something that we can even try for at least another couple of years. We’re not sure how or what that trying will look like – whether K or I carry, even whether we adopt/foster if all else fails. K would like to have another one, although it’s looking pretty likely her endometriosis is back with a vengeance so probably would necessitate another operation ($4-5k) before going straight back to ivf ($10-15k). I am untested, with my own issues, so the jury’s still out on me.

Aside from that we want to buy our own house before too much more time goes past but the reality is that right now we’re only able to save a certain amount after paying off our debt and we will not be able to do both at once so that’s probably several years down the track unless something changes drastically. We also have many travel dreams with friends and family all across the world who would like us to visit (and us them) with the promise of free accomodation once we got there. This wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t right at the bottom of the world where it costs so much to get anywhere. For example we would love to go and visit our niece in Georgia sometime in the next few years while she’s at school there but when it comes down to it the cost of the trip wouldn’t be too far off the cost of a round of ivf.

We are in this position because of choices we’ve made, for instance choosing for me to be a stay at home mum and foregoing that second income and persisting for so long (and subsequently indebting ourselves) with journey #1. But these are choices that we stand by 100%. We love Sprocket so much that it sounds a little silly to even try and type it. We know we are incredibly lucky and blessed to have him in our lives. He has made our family – as much as we love each other and always will, the dimension that this beautiful little soul has brought to our lives is unfathomable. Besides, we wouldn’t even be talking about #2 if we didn’t have him anyway.

So we’ve given ourselves til the end of the year to really decide what we are going to do, and when.

Backtracking a little I have a good, younger friend who was one of the few people irl that I really talked to about our struggles to get pregnant over the past 4 years (I mean emotionally rather than just the facts – those I was pretty free with). Only a couple of weeks after we found out for sure that Sprocket was viable, she came to me with the news that she was very unexpectedly pregnant to her relatively new boyfriend. Those of us touched by fertility struggles knows what it’s like to be kicked in the gut when you hear of other’s pregnancies and let me tell you this would have been by far the worst one for me. My overwhelming emotion was relief and my only thought was thank freaking goodness we got there first because I know I would not have been able to handle it otherwise. I was also her boss at the time so while she told me as a friend I also had to work through the work side of things with her, so avoidance was not an option. As time has gone on it’s been a blessing I guess, Sprocket and her son are only a few weeks apart which is great for all of us.

See where this is going yet?

Today I got a text from her saying she had news, and when I spoke to her she told me she’s just found out she’s pregnant again. Complete accident, complete shock. I talked through it with her on the phone well enough but as soon as I hung up and had to tell K, it hit me. The kick in the gut. I am happy that other people don’t have to go through hell and back, really I am, but for some people it is just so ridiculously easy and it hurts. We have to do so much planning, saving, soul searching and sacrificing to even being the long process of trying again and they don’t even have to think about it.

That was our dream, to have our children close together but the reality is they will be a few years apart. But the rose coloured glasses are well and truly off – without ‘borrowing trouble’ we know now that another baby is not a guarantee, nor is it be likely to be a simple process or a couple of months of trying. K and I are both the youngest in our families, with big gaps of several years between us and our youngest sibling (in my case 8 years and 18 years to the oldest). We didn’t want that for our son but circumstances seem to be heading that way and I guess this news has driven home the fact that save for a significant financial windfall we are in fact heading in that direction.

So right now I feel like I’ve been clubbed in the head from behind and am mourning that dream. Sometimes it all just sneaks up on you, you know?

Three French Hens

Travel Tales

Most (adult) years we have found ourselves travelling for Christmas. Most of my family Christmases have been in my home town, 6 hours away, while the years that we spend with K’s family we drive about an hour away.

It’s crazy whichever way, as I have nearly always had to work on Christmas Eve so the travel has always been last minute which just sucks for everyone. Last year I think we actually went up to K’s family the day before Christmas Eve and I drove back for work that day – much better for K and her family but not the funnest drive for me with all the traffic

When I was a child, we always stayed home for Christmas – mostly because 2 of my older siblings would be coming home, plus we were close to Mum’s family anyway. We would mostly have my Grandma staying and some yearsour close family friends would come for dinner, others my aunt, uncle and cousins would come down, and still others we’d drive out to their farm for most of the day. The farmhouse was a great place to spend the day but honestly, I hated having to get in the car and drive nearly an hour there and back in the middle of summer when all I wanted to do was stay home and play with my new toys or read my new book.

Because my Dad’s family was quite a way away (6-7 hour drive), every year when I was a child he and I would go off on a week’s trip to visit my Gran and some of the extended family about a week before Christmas. Sometime I would beg my parents to have one Christmas with that side of the family as they always seemed to be making the most interesting preparations but it was always just too far and too hard to get everyone there.

This year we’re having Christmas at our place with K’s family which is very exciting – both in that we get to play host and also that we don’t have to go anywhere at all on Christmas Day. Instead we’re looking forward to having a laid back day for Sprocket’s first Christmas and just hoping like anything the early forecasts are right and it’s sunny because if we can’t have everyone outside under the gazebo we’re going to have to sit on each other’s laps to make room inside!

 

 

Two Turtle Doves

Loved Ones

As I mentioned in my last post, there’s a big age gap in my family and often when I was growing up I felt like an only child. I loved Christmas because it was a time when our family was guaranteed to all be together. Plus, being that I was so much younger, my brothers did everything they could to make it magical for me.

I want that same magic for Sprocket – yes it can be a crazy, maddening time of year but if you strip it down to basics it’s about love and connections. We are so proud of how social and friendly he is – he is always so happy to see people which just makes our families so happy too as he’s always willing to go to others for a good cuddle. Even though he’ll be just 8 1/2 months this year, I know that he’ll have a great day because K’s family is all coming to our house for the first year so he’ll have a heap of people to dote on him all day long!

I remember one year my second oldest brother filling our entire living room floor with balloons, confetti and lollies so when I came downstairs on Christmas morning he said that our house must have been an extra special stop for santa that year. He then took me outside where, sure enough, there was some leftover hay on the driveway where Santa had fed his reindeer – he told me the balloons where a thank you from Santa for letting them use our house for a feed.

I also remember catching my Grandma, every single year, underneath the tree shaking her presents to try and figure out what they were – just like a little kid except there was no way we’d be allowed to get away with it!

Now that I’m an adult, Christmas is still about getting together with family and loved ones – now we alternate year and year about with mine and K’s family.

It’s been a long time since my family were all together, just us, and it’s starting to look like we’ll never have that again in quite the same way. My second oldest brother and his wife are very close to splitting up right now. They’ve got four children and they’ve been together for as long as I can remember – I honestly cannot remember our family without my sister in law, I was that young when they met. This has utterly shocked and fairly devastated me. For all my life they have been my role models as far as family were concerned, their relationship was far more positive than that of my own parents and a lot of what I learned about being a good partner/parent I feel I’ve learned from them. Even though we had a few years where we weren’t as close as we could have been, I have still always thought of them as my surrogate parents in a way. To watch them go through this is just heartbreaking. I know that I will always have my sister in law in my life no matter what but I am just so sad – for them, for their children, for us all as a family. I was so much more shocked and upset when I heard than if you’d told me my own parents were getting divorced. I’ve spent some time in the last week with my sister in law and my nieces and nephews and it’s just so damn hard for everyone, but especially at this time of the year. The kids are a bit older now, age 14 – 21, but it’s devastating for them just the same and it hurts to see them in pain too. It just makes me want to hold on so tight to K and Sprocket and never let go.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

I’ve been enjoying reading along with the 12 Days of Christmas series started by An Offering of Love so although I’m a little behind the times, I’m joining in too!

But first, if you love Christmas but want a laugh or if you’re a little over the holiday music assaults – check this out, guaranteed to make you smile! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQkF7fpw-wI

A Partridge in a Pear Tree (Trees)

The first several Christmases we had together we didn’t bother having our own tree, we would mostly be travelling to stay with family and it wasn’t something that we had a lot of money to spend on so we made do with a few decorations around the house but no actual tree.

In 2007, and no doubt after a lot of nagging by me, we bought our tree – it’s an artificial tree (hayfever anyone?) but it’s a pretty good looking one that we got cheap in the post christmas sales.

A couple of years ago we decided we would start a family tradition of putting the tree up together on December 1st, listening to Christmas songs and having a nice dinner to kick off the season. Of course what we didn’t consider at that time is that the first week of December is a crazy time for a teacher in NZ and nearly always the last week of the school year. This means on the 1st K is often away at camp/attending her school leaver’s dinner/staff night out/anynumberofthings. So far we’ve had to reschedule to the next weekend every year until now. This year K was supposed to be at a dinner, but it was during our Week From Hell so she ended up staying home.

We have tried to cater to the slightly OCD side of K’s personality and colour coordinate the main decorations to silver and gold, then red, then there were some nice purple decorations on sale one year, then we needed more red but oh dear it’s not quite the same shade as the first ones….you get the picture!

We also buy ourselves one new decoration each year, this helps us curb the desire to buy tonnes more decorations than we need but also is a nice story book of our lives to look back on. We have decorations that are gifts from friends and family, and the tree is topped by a silver star (mostly because we couldn’t find an angel that was pretty enough!).

I love it. I have always loved the Christmas tree growing up, it was always put up in the ‘people’s room’ – a room that my parents mainly used for entertaining and was nearly always off limits to kids. As my family are very wide spread age wise (my oldest brother is 18 years older than me, my youngest 8 years older) often Christmas was the only time our family would all be together and so many of those memories are tied to the tree. I still love it, and this year I love it even more because I get to hold Sprocket in my arms and explain to him what all those ornaments mean to us. My favourite is the one of a surfie santa sitting on a turtle that we got in Hawaii right before we came home and started that last IVF cycle – a memory of one of the best and most peaceful times of my life.

Farewell November, Hello December

Just to recap the rest of the sucky November in our house:

• K’s scan confirmed she has torn her achilles. So far she has been in and out of 4 casts  – replaced for scan, broken and then the last one put on too tight resulting in a late night trip to a&e to have it removed. She’s now in a moon boot but not able to put any weight on it at all at least until tomorrow’s scan. As she already has a back injury she’s being treated for, she can’t get around school on crutches so is relegated to a wheelchair as it’s the last 2 weeks of the school year and she can’t be away. But the geniuses at work at the national accident compensation/insurance scheme would rather pay thousands for her to stay home from work than $35 per week on wheelchair hire so that’s costing us  too (although we’re fighting to get reimbursed for that because it’s so ridiculous!)
• Our dog Tai had her operation last week, it all went well and she’s now got a whole bunch of screws and plates in her knee. The vet has been great and kept her for an extra couple of days to give us more time to get our house sorted. She’s now got a very small area where she is locked away for the next 6-8 weeks but he is really impressed at how well she is healing – well ahead of the curve he said.
• Sprocket has stopped staying still in one place and is now rolling all over the room whenever he is put down, his love affair with curtains that began when he was only a few days old is blossoming now he can roll over to the floor length ones in our lounge in just a matter of seconds. We’ve now bought a playpen which at least keeps him away from the nasties.

And the last 48 hours?

• Sprocket has an ear infection, and is now on antibiotics again (so much for avoiding them le sigh). He’s been a bit grizzly the last few days so hopefully he’s on the up now.
• Late Tuesday night Tai got really sick, vomitting a lot and looking sicker than we’ve ever seen her so at nearly midnigt I took her back to the vet (thank goodness for emergency callouts even if they do cost an arm and a leg). She refused to budge at all off the lawn and I had to carry all 33kg of her right around the outside of the house and into the car. Luckily she’s doing a lot better now and the vet thinks it’s just a stomach bug but treating her very cautiously after such a big operation so has kept her in for a couple of nights.
• The biggie though is K’s leg. On Sunday it started being really sore in the tight cast, and didn’t get better after it was removed so yesterday it was back to the doctor and a scan which revealed she has dvt (blood clot). Unbelievable. So she’s now having to take anti-coagulants for the next 3 months, as well as self injecting for the next couple of weeks which it builds up, and having blood tests daily to determine each day’s dosage. There is so much about this which is hard but the worst (other than the fact this is potentially life threatening and very, very lucky it was caught early) is that the drugs mean that she has had to stop breastfeeding immediately. I haven’t blogged much about the breastfeeding difficulties as I know K is going to do it one day, but it has been an incredibly hard road for both of them and she has done an amazing job persevering when others would have given up months ago. They were down to only two feeds a day, morning and a brief night feed, but it was very sad to have to give him a bottle this morning and for them not to have that bonding time in bed together. She was determined to do everything that she could to keep that up for as long as possible so to have this happen and have to stop without warning is pretty devastating and not the way we wanted it to end. I am so proud of her for keeping going as the problems have been out of her control – I know it’s been hard but it would have been easier for her to have given up a long time ago so I’m in awe of her strength and commitment to continue even though I know she’ll try ans disagree with me.

While this is a terrible thing to have happened, I am so grateful that it was found and as hard as the consequences are at least it is treatable and K will be okay. We have got to the point now where it is just ridiculous the number of things that are going wrong (we’re also fighting with the bank to get the loan through to pay the vet bill – it’s all approved but as K’s driver’s license is 10 years old her signature has morphed a little since then and they won’t accept it – she had to resign the docs yesterday to try and forge her own signature). You have to laugh, really.

Today however is a new month, the sucky month is behind us and it’s the first day of Summer . Later this morning we’re back to the surgeon for my biopsy results which had better be good (it’s no longer November so they surely will be) and then this afternoon we’re putting our Christmas tree up and enjoying ourselves.

Onwards and upwards!!

November Sucks (with a capital S)

I’m guessing that we should stop asking the universe to give us a break, it’s clearly not working out for us.

Right now we have:

•  a 7(!) month old son who’s just discovered the wonders of rolling all over the room
• a dog with a ruptured cruciate ligament needing surgery this week. Very expensive surgery that requires at least 6 weeks of complete rest (picture a 33kg dog confined to a 2x2m space and only allowed outside for toilet breaks on a lead (and with back end supported so she doesn’t do more damage).
• Mummy K back to cardiologist on Tuesday for results of stress test and event monitor
• Mama Tui to the surgeon on Tuesday for more investigation/biopsy on thyroid nodule
• And just to top things off because we didn’t have enough to deal with apparently, poor Mummy K is now in a cast with a suspected ruptured achilles tendon, with a scan on Tuesday to confirm.

I don’t want to keep writing negative posts but seriously, come on!!!!

More

Right now K has got her event monitor which she’s wearing for 2 weeks to record all the cardiac related events that she experiences, and then it’s back to the cardiologist for (hopefully) the final appointment in a couple more weeks to recap all of the tests.

And because nothing’s ever simple in our world, the universe decided to throw another health issue at us – this time it’s my turn.

A few months ago I noticed a lump on my neck, didn’t think much of it and then forgot all about it until a few weeks ago. Once I found it again, of course I couldn’t help touching it and stressing so off to the doctor I went ready to be told it was nothing. The doctor was pretty positive that it was a thyroid issue, gave me antibiotics in case it was a swollen lymph gland in a funny place and had me give half my blood for testing. The antibiotics did nothing, the blood tests came back normal so he did some more tests (also normal) and sent me for a scan. The scan showed I have several small nodules on my thyroid (not uncommon) along with the one big one that I can feel across the bridge of my trachea. Although not exactly showing anything clearly for concern the big one is different to the others, so I’ve now been referred to a surgeon for follow up and a biopsy to check it out further. Thank goodness we have full cover medical insurance as I only have to wait 2 weeks for the first appointment rather than infinite months going through the public system (no thanks to the insurance broker who nearly got us transferred to a lesser coverage plan by double talking us – thank god we caught that in time because money is pretty damn tight right now!)

According to my doctor we’re still ruling things out and not ruling them in, but  I’ve definitely been having my moments waiting for results the last couple of weeks. Now that I know for sure that it’s not quite right and they’re using the big words like biopsy, no matter how commonplace that may be, it’s a scary place to be.

Luckily I have an awesome, positive wife who is great at cheering me up even when she’s got enough of her own shit going on. Love.

Teething pains

Sprocket is still well and truly teething, gone are the carefree nights of sleeping from 7.30-6/7am, now it’s more than likely we’ll be waking several times through the night and wide awake from 4am onwards. We had a really tough weekend where he was in a lot of pain, including a fever one night, and very clingy during the day so none of us got much sleep or rest. We’ve been really lucky in that he’d been sleeping through the night from about 3 months but now the sleep deprivation is back. Sadly too he’s a strictly 45 minute nap boy, so there’s not much downtime during the day either (on a good day, with all things being on our side we can get him back to sleep for another hour after he wakes up from his afternoon nap but this is by no means a guarantee).

We are tired.

He seems to be cross cutting too, no sign of the bottom teeth yet and it seems to be not the front two at the top but the ones either side (think fangs). Some days they seem to be coming through and feel a bit sharp and other days notsomuch. Poor little boy, it’s obviously no fun for him and he’s had a few days where he just hasn’t wanted to eat or drink anything either.

He’s growing up too fast though, some days he looks and acts like a little toddler rather than a baby and we’re not ready for that yet! He’s learning his boundaries, and how to push them, and his cheeky side is making a regular appearance (for instance he’s learnt how to squirt milk out of his bottle when he’s finished with it – the first time right into my face while I was sleeping).

All in all he’s a beautiful, loving little boy. Twice in the last couple of weeks he has willingly and enthusiastically held out his hands for a cuddle from a stranger (to him at least – one was someone we knew we ran into in town and the other someone that came to visit). He has at times shown signs of shyness but that’s when he’s been tired, otherwise he’s still a pretty social guy.

We took him to his first A&P show (agricultural and pastoral) last weekend and he was quite bemused by the whole thing really, there were lots of animals to check out but he seemed just as keen on the gates and fences lol We did get some photos taken while we were there, including one of all three of us which we don’t actually have too many of (pity we’d been walking around in the rain so K and I look a little bedraggled but nevermind!).

Other than we’ve been trucking along really, health scares and money woes notwithstanding. Hopefully we’ll have a fairly quiet weekend this weekend and be able to catch up on some sleep (in shifts of course!) – and it’s only 5 more weeks til summer holidays so yay for that!

I’ll leave you with a couple of the photos from the show, I’ve got a ton more to put up but I’ve been having dramas with wp lately and every time I try to post photos the layout gets all messed up and I end up just about throwing the laptop across the room – most of them are on fb though anyway if we’re friends there (and if we’re not, feel free to add me if you want).

 

 

Big Boy

I’ve lost track of the number of blogs I’ve read and commented on with a ‘wow, really, six months already??’ but here I am living it myself.

It’s crazy to think we now have not a newborn, but a six month old infant already. Clothes that just seemed impossibly huge when we got home from the hospital are all of a sudden too small for him. Luckily for this stage we haven’t had to buy any ourselves, tonnes of hand me downs and newborn presents, as he’s growing so fast he doesn’t even get to wear them all before they’re having to be weeded out of his drawers again.

Speaking of size, we had another plunket check up and he’s piled on weight again in the last month (800gms) so back up to the 25th percentile which we’re very happy about. He’s now weighing 7.22kg and his length is about 70cm (they didn’t measure him this time so that’s from my untested measuring skills – we know he’s outgrown his 68cm clothes though).

He’s started solids with a vengeance now, we had been giving him some veges leading up to the holidays but as soon as they hit he decided he was starving and we’ve had to step it up to keep up with him. For now he’s having a bowl of farex (baby meusli) after his first feed in the morning, then some veges or toast during the day as well. He loves the farex, as messy as it is it’s so cool to see him eating and enjoying it. We’re still doing the BLW but bending a little on it as he has been so hungry and not satisfied with milk that we have fed him the farex ourselves so that he doesn’t have a meltdown. He’s still Mr Independent though and has his own spoon as well. This morning he dropped his spoon off the edge of the highchair straight away and opted instead to guide my spoon to his mouth – much more successful for him! In the last week we’ve tried brocolli, which wasn’t a huge hit but we will perservere, and toast which spread with avocado seems to be some kind of baby crack equivalant.

The dog loves it, as it’s veges we’re not too worried about feeding her scraps and seriously you would think cucumber was her favourite food and we’d been denying her all these years!

As of Tuesday, he has also been sleeping in his own room at night like a big boy. He’d been having his naps in there for a while and the first night was perfect. For him at least . Since then we think he’s started with a bit of separation anxiety and we’ve had a few rough patches. He’s still sleeping mostly through the night thank goodness but the days have been hard where he just doesn’t seem to know what he wants – cuddles, playtime, food – and has a few wicked meltdowns the last few days  especially if one of us leaves the room or he thinks he’s alone. It has been great having both of us home as I know I would have been struggling if I was on my own! He also seems to be having more teething issues too which I’m sure is part of it. Still no teeth yet though, wish they’d hurry up they’ve been threatening for a couple of months now.

He is definitely turning into a real little boy though and we’re having a great time getting to know his personality (yes, it’s cheeky). I love the way he now holds his hands out to be picked up and his arms wrap around us when we’re holding him. He watches everything we do and tries to copy it, you can see his brain ticking over figuring stuff out and when he has a new toy it doesn’t take long for him to figure out how it works. He has great hand eye coordination and we were told by the parents as 1st teachers person who came to visit last week that he is quite advanced for his age in how he handles things. He is learning so much, so quickly and it’s an amazing privilege to watch.

 

 

 

 

First School Camp

Sprocket’s first school camp has been and gone, it was a pretty hectic few days starting when he woke up on Wednesday morning full of a cold. Luckily Mr CMM could see him before he and I left town late morning so he got some ‘erbs which helped immensely. The trip was about 2 hours long, he slept most of the way – occasionally I’d hear his toy rattling or him chatting away but the rest of the time he was out to it. He’s such a good boy when he wakes up, rarely cries unless he’s really hungry instead he’s just content to play with whatever’s nearby or his hands if that’s all he’s got.

K had left early (had to be up at 5.30am) so they were well on their way, we caught up with them while the kids were mountainbiking mid afternoon and seeing as K wasn’t able to ride with them we had a nice time just relaxing on a blanket under the trees. It was so nice just to stop and chill out instead of thinking of all the million things that need to be done around the house. Sprocket loved it, he’s a big fan of trees, plus he was excited to find Mummy K in this new place! We spent the night in a pretty cool cabin at the camping grounds with an awesome view and private deck – we’re already planning many more holidays there. The next day we drove another hour or two to another town, this time Sprocket was not happy about being in the car and screamed a good portion of the trip as he had a bout of reflux and sore belly. We stayed at another campground that night which was run by a real prize of a bloke and wasn’t nearly as good. K was tied up with the kids most of the days and nights but we did get to spend a couple of hours together during the day hanging out which was nice – we saw less of each other than we would have if we’d been at home but more than if she’d gone alone. It was hard for her being split making sure that we were okay and knew what was happening while concentrating on working at the same time – there were some moments of stress but all in all it was a nice change of scenery for us all. Sprocket got to see and hear lots of things, we’re coming into summer now so this was including putting his bare feet on grass for the first time which he thought was pretty cool and nearly bent himself over double trying to check it out. We also put his feet into a big giant sandpit but at the same time we did that the big school kids started playing bull rush on the giant air pillow not far away and he freaked out with the noise. That didn’t last long though because once he was safely back in Mama’s arms he thought it was hilarious the way they were diving and tackling each other.

Friday we headed back home after lunch, another 2 hour drive, and had a few hours at home and then that night after Sprocket was asleep we headed out again to pick up K from school and continued up to K’s parents place for the night. Saturday we went to the big parent and child expo in Auckland which was awesome, we could have spent a lot more time there but we were all exhausted and it was also our nephew’s birthday so we wanted to make sure we spent time with him before coming back home that evening. Sunday we pretty much vegged out and slept!

And then on Monday, K’s heart decided it wanted to play silly beggars again and flicked back into atrial fibrillation so she spent most of monday afternoon and night in the hospital. Sprocket had a cough and wasn’t too well so luckily K’s sister was able to stay with her while she was there. It was so hard not being able to be there with K, but after the nasty tummy bug he picked up last time we were there we didn’t want to take any chances. They gave her lots of drugs to try and chemically revert it but it didn’t look like it was working so they were going to take her to the ward and then in the morning sedate her and shock her heart back into the right rhythm. Thank goodness the drugs finally worked about 11pm and at 4am she was released – and thank goodness again her sister drove back to the hospital to pick her up, we love her!

It was the first night she’s spent away since Sprocket was born and he was definitely looking for her, because of the drugs as well she wasn’t able to feed him for another 24 hours so it was a hard couple of days for them. We still don’t know anything more about why this is happening, she has more tests scheduled for the next few weeks but I don’t know whether we’ll get any more answers from those – the cardiologist didn’t seem to expect them to show anything but we’ll see.

For now it’s only 2 days to go until school holidays, we’re very much excited by this! It’s K’s birthday on Monday so Sprocket and I are going to walk to the shops soon to do some secret birthday business. Her parents are staying with us on Saturday night and are going to babysit so we get to go out to the movies for our first adult time out since he was born so we’re very excited about that too. The weather the last few days has been beautiful so hoping it holds out and we can make some trips to the beach, the gardens and the zoo as well.

 

Life

I’m taking advantage of the fact that it’s so nice and peaceful here right now to do a quick update post.

Tomorrow K is heading off at the crack of dawn on school camp for three days, this time around instead of staying home and working I am packing Sprocket up later in the morning and we are road tripping it to join them. It’s her senior class and they will be doing a lot of mountain biking, which she can’t join in right now, so we will have a bit of time together during the day and then I’ve got my kindle loaded up to spend the evenings in our cabin with Sprocket while K is busy supervising. It’s meant to be beautifully sunny the next few days (but pretty cold and we are going near the mountains), so it should be a nice change of scenery.

This morning I took Dogface to her own camp, where hopefully she will get lots and lots of exercise, and now that Sprocket is having his afternoon nap I’ve got absolute peace. Of course I’ve still got to finish the washing, clean up, work out what we need to take, pack etc but at least there’s no accompanying barking.

Sprocket all of a sudden seems to be growing up quickly. He’s learning how to put his own dummy in back in his mouth consistently (contingent on picking it up correctly of course), interacting in more different ways with his toys, playing games with us, learning how to let something go when asked.. the list is almost endless.

We have started baby led weaning with him, he’s a little shy of 6 months but he was champing at the bit so to speak so we’ve let him have some cucumber and some carrot so far. The cucumber he wasn’t a fan of right away, but he did seem to like the coolness against his gums after the first few tries. The carrot he loves, probably because it’s a little sweeter but also he’s getting more used to bringing it to his mouth and finding a flavour rather than the sameness of his toys. We’ve been using his bumbo seat with the table on it, which sometimes he seems to like but sometimes he hates it too – it doesn’t always seem to be the best thing with a refluxy baby as it compresses his tummy a bit too much so we have to make sure that he’s well clear of a feed before we put him in it. The other day we sat him his phil and ted’s clip on high chair at the table and he thought that was pretty cool. We have also given him water in a sippy cup, which he knew how to use right away (he has always taken his liquid losec drinking from a medicine cup so that probably helps). The only problem was he wanted to do it all himself and was not impressed at Mummy trying to control the flow!

He’s still in his bassinet for now, but the time is limited – school holidays in 10 days and we are going to transition him to his cot in his own room then. He is still such a happy chappy, he never cries when he wakes up, he always just lies there chatting to himself and when he sees one of us come into his room he starts laughing and kicking his feet. It is very, very rare for him to cry at all, only really if he is hungry and he sees his bottle before it’s ready. We have taken to giving him a bath book to play with in the bath, which he just loves – he likes to chew on it and I’m sure he’s just dipping it in the water so he can drink off it half the time, but he gets sad when it floats away down the other end. Last night K took it off him when it was time to get out and he had a bit of a meltdown which is very unlike him.

Today we went to visit my brother and his son who is staying with him this week, Sprocket is just in awe of this 3 year old and follows his every move – I’m sure they’re going to be diabolical together in a few years. A few weeks ago we found out that this same brother and his partner are expecting a baby at the end of March next year which is really exciting. All of Sprocket’s other cousins are at least a few years older than him (ranging up to 21) and in other cities so it’s awesome that he will have a cousin around the same age in the same city to grow up near.

I forgot to add last time how much Sprocket loves to watch our pets. Our dog is a bit wary of him, she will come close when we are holding him and is protective and gentle with him but she would rather have the safety of distance. Our boy cat we are trying to keep well away, as he has a sketchy/scratchy history with children and although he is a very loving cat he is on notice. Our princess cat though is another story. Her and Sprocket have got a love thing going on for sure, she likes to jump up on our bed in the morning when Sprocket is having cuddles and come up close, he will reach out his hand and she rubs up against is while he pats her. Occasionally the pats needs to untangled by eagle-eyed Mums (useful tools for the letting go training), but the cat never seems too perturbed. Often she will come looking for him, and sit near him or watch what he is doing.

As for K and I, we are doing good. K has been working ridiculously hard the last little while so we are looking forward to a two week ‘break’ in the school holidays (although there’s always plenty of marking and planning to be done, at least they can be done from home with no students). It’s now been two months since I finished work, so I have ten more to go until my leave is used up and I can’t believe that I just don’t miss it at all. I thought I would, at least a little, but I really don’t. I was going to post last week related to the carnival topic of relationships and never quite got there, but we are good. It is sad to see so much heartache in the blog world, and irl too, and we have been plenty mad on some people’s behalf for some of the shenanigans we’ve heard about. We have certainly had changing dynamics over the past 6 months, but that is also true of the past 4 years, and I think we’ve done a great job of making it work for us. We realised early on in our relationship that it would take constant work to have a happy ending, and at times it has been that,  but at the same time we count ourselves as simply blessed to be in our little family. It’s an ever changing landscape, but without being too simplistic or getting too mushy we are very much as solid as ever.

Anyway this was going to be a short post but the peace and quiet must have made my brain engage for a change – Sprocket is now chatting away to himself so time for me to get him up.

To know or not to know

Although I missed the first round, we’re going to participate in the Love Makes a Family blog carnival whenever we can. The theme this time around is donor sperm.

If you’ve been following along for a while, you’ll know that our son was conceived with the help of a known donor (blog name BD). I know there will be a lot of posts in this carnival around the regulatory and ethical issues around sperm banks, but being from a whole other country I’ll give you an insight into how things work here and then more personally how our family works.

Grab a coffee or tea and pull up a pew – it’s a bit on the long side sorry, I got on a roll!

Different Country, Different Rules:

We live in New Zealand and there is not a whole lot of choice when it comes to fertility clinics and sperm banks. In fact there is only one clinic that was accessible to us, and their internal sperm bank.  In recent years there has been a lot of tightening up of rules and regulations, mostly for the better, one of which is that you used to be able to import sperm from overseas donors and do home ICI’s or a sympathetic doctor to help but now the only way to get sperm from a bank is through a clinic.  There are a lot of regulations around donating and using the sperm, including the number of children and families allowed to use one donor. One is that all donors since 2005 have to be willing to be known as below:

“The HART Act specifies that, when pregnancies result from sperm that is now donated, (the clinic) is required to notify the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages of identifying information about the child and the donor. After the age of 18 years a child may ask the clinic or the Registrar-General for the identity of the donor and this information will normally be given. The child may ask for the identity of other children conceived using the same donor. There are provisions for children getting information from the age of 16 years and for parents to obtain information about the donor, too. A donor may ask for the identity of all persons born as a result of his donation. If the parents of a child who is under eighteen years of age consent to this the information will be given. If the person is over eighteen they have the right to consent or not.”

The donor can also actually choose how many families, up to a maximum of 5 with a maximum of 10 children across those families. When a pregnancy occurs, they can put aside sperm to be held for later attempts with the same donor. As we also have a publicly funded healthcare system that does fund fertility treatment under some circumstances, there is also high demand for the sperm. As it is illegal for clinics to pay the donors (and probably a number of other reasons such as a limited population base), donated sperm is in short supply. Depending in which city you live, the waiting list to use the donor sperm can be anyway from 6 months to 3+years.

If you want to use a known donor, you’ve got two choices – sort it out yourselves privately doing at home collection/ICI etc, or engage the services of a clinic who will do all the same screening, testing etc that they would do for the sperm bank and then either use their services for the insems or take it home to try (although this wasn’t an option when we tried).

Why/how we chose a known donor:

We knew early on in our relationship that we wanted to have children one day, I can’t remember even talking about it for the first time or even really having the first conversation about how we would do it. We decided that it was important, for us, for our child to know where his/her biological make up came from. Or maybe more importantly for us to know where it came from so that we could answer any questions as time went on. We knew that the questions would come, it was only a matter of how we would answer them. We also did have in the back of our minds that, if we had a boy, we would like to have that person in his life as another male role model. Although we feel confident about raising a son, there is still that societal pressure that we just can’t seem to shake (quite possibly another post for another day).

The crunch came when we started looking around the people in our lives. It was very easy to eliminate the vast majority of them: My brothers? Nice idea in theory but in reality – too weird. K’s friends? Nope sure fire way to make Tui feel super insecure if it was more K’s friend than mine. Tui’s friends? Nope doesn’t work either. We kept coming back to BD, he was one of my best friends at uni, we met when we were 18 (wow 13 years ago) and when we both came out a couple of years later we joked about having a baby together but it was just that, a joke. In the meantime, K and I had uprooted and moved to a brand new city and a while later BD moved too and lived with us for a year. This really balanced the relationship between us as we all got to know each other really well. When we started thinking and talking about it, he was really the only man that we were both equally comfortable and happy with.

So while we chose a known donor, if for any reason it hadn’t worked out – if he’d said no, there was a medical issue or something else came up – then that would have been it for known donors. We would have been all about anonymous from there. This would have been challenging, K’s mother is very staunchly opposed to anonymous donors as she is an avid genealogist and we have had many debates on this – ultimately we agree that the reasons of knowing your background, family, medical history etc are sound after all that’s why we wanted BD anyway, but we’re also not going to enter into such a personal arrangement with someone less than desirable just to get that. There was, and, 6 or so years after we first asked him, is still no one else that we could both trust enough to enter into such an arrangement with.

That may sound funny to some people, because the other benefit of doing all this through the clinic is that BD legally signed away any rights, responsibilities or obligations the day he made his donation. He went through the same counselling requirements as we did, and the law is black and white on that. At the same time, under our law I am automatically recognised as Sprocket’s parent being that I was K’s partner at the time of the birth (this is whether by marriage, civil union or de facto). So we are very lucky to both be able to be named on the birth certificate from the very beginning (as mother and other parent, terminology could be worked on a little perhaps but still we’ll take it).

So for us, the known donor route is the right choice but only with the right person. If not for that, it would be anonymous.

The Way It Works For Us:

We were clear with BD from the start though that we wanted him to have a special relationship with Sprocket, and decided we were comfortable calling him Daddy so we gave BD the choice of what he wanted to be called (which he has decided is Daddy – I know that Daddy can be a loaded word in the lesbian baby making world but for us it fits. There are all kinds of different Daddy’s in the world, even in our own families and for us we decided the implication didn’t have to be the male parent, head of household, or even parent. We are creating our family in a way few get to do/have to do and thus it is simply a word to recognise the special relationship that we wanted between our children and their donor. Having said that, had we gone the anonymous donor route it would have been a clear distinction between donor and daddy and I don’t think we would have been comfortable at all with the daddy label in that situation so I can certainly understand that sentiment.)

We were equally very clear that despite this, he wouldn’t have any input into any decision-making regarding our children’s lives and that the parenting would be done solely by K and myself. We were also bolstered in this by the fact that he lives 6 hours away, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t move back to our city for any reason. Slightly off the path but we were also clear that if he and his partner (although he was single when we first asked him) ever wanted a child we would in no way be able to offer any surrogacy services – hats off to those that do but there’s no way either of us could and we didn’t want to get into any tit for tat arguments down the line.

And here’s where it started to feel a little tricky. See, we trusted BD completely and utterly with no hesitation. We love him like a brother. But to be perfectly honest at that point he was a 20-something gay boi very much into the partying lifestyle and we had no idea what was going to happen in the future. By the time we actually got to the business end of ttc, he had started seeing someone but even he didn’t know how long it would last. So while we trusted him, we hardly knew his boyfriend at all, so we were glad of the protection the clinic offered us both legally and medically. As time went on, things got more and more serious between them and things got more and more awkward between us and BD’s bf (BDBF). We only saw them maybe once a year and by the end of last year we felt like we were being avoided by BDBF. After Sprocket was born we found out that BDBF was having issues with feeling left out of the whole thing, you see while he was there periphally from early on he was really not involved in the decision making side of things at all – not that he’s anti it but he missed that part so he’s just had to deal with it. Of course, not getting to know us better probably didn’t help either if you ask me! Although he didn’t come and visit with BD soon after Sprocket was born, he has stayed a night with us recently and it all went well so onwards and upwards.

So yeah, we chose BD because we both felt equal in our relationships with him. This definitely didn’t stop me from feeling incredibly insecure at many, many points along this path I can’t even remember them all, but here’s a taste:

• The what if’s of the future – will BD ever try for more, despite the law? what about his partner? what about his family? would K see me differently, as a somehow inferior parent?what if K and BD both decide they’re really straight and run off to get married…okay maybe not so much this one lol but seriously some of them get/got pretty crazy.
• The first visit after Sprocket was born, I was meant to be going back to work part time but there was no way I was leaving BD and K home to play happy families without me!
• People’s fixation on biological links, and would my family be among those people?
• Would I bond with the baby easily? Would it bond with me or would it sense I was ‘different’

Honestly there were so many more than that, and I am happy that I struggle to think of them because it shows me how far I’ve come. It was hard at first to be honest about my feelings, but I think now I’ve gotten a lot better at admitting to them and getting past them more easily which is better for everyone. It helps to remember that Sprocket is here because K and I wanted to bring a child into our family, that no matter what had happened with BD, if he had said no, then we would have found another way. We are the key parts of the equation, and yes BD is important, but we come first. Watching BD with Sprocket on both of his visits have also reminded me of the differences between us, I can see that he loves him and that warms my heart, but it is me that is the parent – me that is here for him, loving him, caring for him, wiping his tears and making him smile day in day out. And that is not going to change. Sprocket is such a beautiful soul, and I believe now more than ever that the more people he has in his life to love him the better.

In terms of extended family, well our families both things that Sprocket is just the best. He’s got many cousins on both sides but he’s equally doted on by both sides which makes us so happy. One of the things that we said to BD up front was that we would be happy for Sprocket to have a relationship with his Mum and Step-father. They live in the same home town as my parents so we agreed that when we went to stay with my folks we would call in to visit. We also extended an invitation if they were up our way to call in, which they did a few weeks ago. It was a little awkward at first, K was at work and although I have met them before it probably was when I was about 21 and certainly not since all this came about. It turned out great though, Sprocket turned on the charm and was laughing and flirting his pants off so they fell in love with him straight away. BD is close to his Mum and had talked to her a lot from when we first approached him, so she knows all the details of our arrangements. Her and I had a bit of a heart to heart where I told her that they were welcome to contact us if they were going to be in town and reiterated that we would visit when we were in their town (albeit that’s not often these days), and she said that she would like that but that she also understood that Sprocket is our baby and a part of K’s and my families and not theirs so they weren’t going to put any pressure on or expect anything but left their email address so we can send them the odd picture every few months. She seemed genuinely happy that BD had done this for us, and said that from the minute we asked him the answer was always going to be yes (wish we’d known that – we spent a good year or so waiting for an answer from him lol). It was a really great visit, everything that was said had already been said through BD but it was unbelievably nice to have the conversation personally as well. They genuinely get it. And I’m not sure how many parents would – I know we are blessed.

Despite all of our planning, communication and trust we were still both a little apprehensive about how it would work and really feel when BD did spend time with us post-birth. I for one was surprised when K told me that she felt nervous about it – my experience as the ‘other parent’ has me half poised to expect some to usurp my position and I didn’t really consider that K might feel the same for herself, but she did. During that first visit though, when we were two weeks into this parenting gig and as tough as it was we were rapidly gaining confidence. Yes we weren’t getting much sleep and taking it in shifts to sleep on the couch with Sprocket on our chests (the only way to settle him pre-reflux dx), we were coming across new problems daily, but with a little trial and error and experts on the sidelines we were making headway and above all else really feeling like parents. When BD arrived for that first visit, he was clueless. He hadn’t been around small babies at all, and was incredibly scared to even hold him the first time (took him two days). He clearly fell in love with Sprocket, like everyone that has met him, but he wasn’t a parent. And here’s the kicker – nor did he desire to be. The next visit was a lot smoother, less anxiety (except about BDBF coming) and much more enjoyable. It helps that BD is part of our family anyway, when he comes to stay he’s not just a visitor. He’s the only person that we have both lived with so having him to stay when the house is a mess or we’re tired and grumpy just doesn’t matter – he’s seen us far worse than that (and us him).

All this aside, I still hate that we *have* to get outside help to make a family. I wish we could have a baby that was just mine and K’s but the fact is we can’t. Yes that hurts, but at the same time I love this little boy so very, very much (ahem.. understatement much?) and I can’t imagine that being any different if he were biologically mine. It makes my heart smile though that along the way there are many people that forget that he’s not both ours – from the people guessing what his birth weight would be that tried to work it out from mine and K’s birth weights, to the people who ask about my eyes and hair as a child, to the people who think that every now and then he has one of my looks, to my mother who seriously freaked out when she heard he had two webbed toes because they apparently are prevalent in our family and she thought it was a sign lol.

We know we’ve chosen a complex path for our family, but really is there any option that we had that would be less complex? In the end, you make the best decision that you can for you and yours. There is no right or wrong answer. Any choice that we make as a lesbian couple to have a family comes with a myriad of decisions and heartwrenching decisions that frankly, it just sucks to have to make. No doubt there will be more issues and insecurities over the years, but we are happy and at peace with the decisions that we have made and we will work through them the best way for our family.

So that’s us really, Mummy, Mama and Sprocket. And the Daddy who we will forever be grateful to who helped bring us together.

To read more about this theme, go to the next blog in the carnival at:

http://inlocoparentis.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/billy-short-for-hillbilly/

Thanks

Well it’s good news, the scan showed nothing structurally wrong with K’s heart, we still don’t know what caused the episode in June or the dozens of problems since but it seems there is no immenent life threatening problem to be concerned with.

There are some more tests to be done, a treadmill stress test in about a month and then in about six months time (damn waiting lists) she will get an event recorder for two weeks. This will hopefully capture all the times that her heart is flicking into atrial fibrillation and if it is happening often (as it seems to be now) then the cardiologist will possibly recommend medication. He won’t do that now though, which is fine by us, because they have only caught it once on the ecg, and K would have to stop breastfeeding.

This is a huge relief, although we still don’t know what is causing all the issues, particularly her frequent dizziness which may not even be related to the atrial fibrillation. What we do know is that after the last few years of ttc, and a rough start the last 5 months, K is exhausted so we will be doing what we can to get her nice and rested. There are three more weeks after this one of term left and then it’s a two week holiday so we will be hanging out for that.

K took the whole day off yesterday, so we went to a flash food market and got some nice lunch and then went home and a big family nap – we were all pretty shattered!

Thank you all for your support, we’re glad to report good news!

Request

Hi all, just a quick request for prayers/positive thoughts today for K. If you’ve been reading for a while you’ll know that a couple of months back she had some heart trouble and ended up in the cardiac care unit for a couple of days. While she was there they were too busy/overloaded to do a heart scan so they sent her home and put her on the outpatient list. Since then she’s been having regular issues and been to several doctors and had several ecg’s etc done but ultimately they have just been waiting for her outpatient visit.

Yesterday she had the scan done, and this morning we are heading back to the hospital to meet with the cardiologist. We have been very scared and worried the last couple of months and are hoping like heck that it’s not anything serious. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers and help us hope for a positive outcome.

Thank you.

(and on a happier note – Happy 5 month birthday today to Mr Sprocket who is currently ‘chatting’ at the top of his lungs off in celebration right now despite the fact that it’s so bloody early it’s still dark out)

All about Sprocket – 5 months

It’s hard to believe but we’re only a few days shy of 5 months now, and into September and spring in this part of the world.

Sprocket had his 5 month check with plunket this week, he is doing well although we all had a nasty tummy bug about 2 weeks ago and he lost a lot of weight again. It was a horrible week, it started with a visit to the hospital A&E (ER) on Sunday afternoon as K was having more heart trouble. We think Sprocket may have picked up a bug in the waiting room as on Tuesday night he started vomiting. It was horrible, the poor little boy’s whole body was convulsing as he vomited about 7 times in an hour. We went to the doctor who said it was just a gastro bug and what to watch out for, and took him home trying to feed him little and often to keep him hydrated. Wednesday I joined him in the sick ranks and poor K was run ragged looking after both of us. Thursday night was the worst ever, as Sprocket and I were still sick and K started as well. Luckily K didn’t get it as badly as we did, but I ended up with a flu/chest infection for the next week as well so she didn’t get much rest anyway.

When we went to the doctor Sprocket weighed in at 6.6kg, with clothes, he lost a lot of weight straight after being sick and had got back up to 6.41kg this week when he was weighed. This means a drop back down to the 9th percentile, after getting back to the 25th last visit. He is definitely eating like a demon now though so he’s coming right. His head measured on the 50th percentile still, at 42.5cm, but the real story was his length. He’s always been a long, skinny boy but he’s jumped again to 66.8cm which jumped from the 25th percentile to nearly the 75th! It’s not really surprising then that most of his clothes are way too big around the chest and waist while being just right, or even too short, on the arms and legs. He will have another weigh check in a month, and then his next developmental check will be at 8 months which is just before Christmas (seriously, where is this year going??).

We also had another lady visit last week from an organisation that comes into your home and gives you guidance/support on early childhood development and education. She will visit us each month and bring along an activity matched to Sprocket’s development for us all to do, as well as help us to make our own resources. They also provide a lot more developmental information and will source extra information on anything baby related that we want or need. We heard about this free service from a friend, and so far it seems pretty good. It’s amazing what resources are out there if you know where to look!

Sprocket is a very chatty wee boy, vocalising all the time. He is experimenting with different noises and sounds at the moment, and his favourite is blowing raspberries. He has the most infectious laugh as well, and he still continues to be a really happy baby. Even when he was sick and miserable, we were still able to get him to smile and laugh fairly easily which did us all good. He continues to be a real social lad, I went to the supermarket with him this week and he proceeded to make friends with all the elderly ladies in the place, literally yelling at them as they walked past our trolley and then charming them with his smiles and stories when they stopped to say hello.

Along with his infectious chuckles comes his cheeky little personality. For a while now he has figured out that he can lift his bottom up off the change table and wiggle around making it very difficult to get a nappy on. He loves to do this after a bath particularly, and next favourite trick is to squeeze his legs together really tight and laugh. He still absolutely adores his bathtime, he’s a big fan of splashing these days and ends up with water all over himself and the bathroom. He also loves to look at himself in the bathroom mirror, which wraps around two walls so he can usually see 3-4 babies in there. It is a bathtime routine to check himself out in the mirror and laugh his head off. He has also started trying to bend his head down and drink the bath water (following on from sucking the water off his hands repeatedly).

Although Sprocket is still only rolling from tummy to back, he is so damn close to going the other way but he just doesn’t quite get there. I know our lives will be a whole lot different once he does learn how, so we’re not too stressed about it. At the moment he is still using his hushamok hammock in the lounge for naps, but he is really getting too big for it now and once he does roll back to front then he won’t be able to use it so we are transitioning to the big cot in his room for naptime. At night he is still sleeping in his bassinet in our bedroom, although the way his height is going it won’t be long before that’s all over too. As tempting as it would be, his cot won’t fit in our bedroom so once he is too big then he will be in his own room which will be a big adjustment for all of us.

We are still doing a mix of breast milk and formula, breastfeeding has been a struggle and getting sick didn’t help as K’s supply dropped and is only just now getting back on track. Sprocket has a few patches of nasty excema that have popped up in the last several weeks so on the advice of Mr CMM K has cut out all dairy and swapped from cow’s milk formula to soy milk. We’ve also had some hair testing done for allergies which we will hopefully get the results back soon.

For probably over a month now he’s been showing signs of teething with lots of drooling, red cheeks and chewing particularly on his lower left gums. This is on and off a bit, but I’m sure that there’s a tooth lurking not too far away. These days everything goes straight into his mouth for a good old chew. We also think he’s not far off starting solids, for a few weeks he has been intently watching us when we eat and drink and mimicking chewing as we do. He’s started to get really upset occasionally because we’re not sharing. We have decided to try baby led weaning, and will probably start this quite soon but only after we get the allergy results so we don’t inadvertantly make his excema worse.

All in all, we are just so blessed to have him in our lives. We love him so much it’s incredible, and he brings so much joy and happiness on even the worst days. I know we thought we knew how much we wanted a baby while we were still ttc, but it doesn’t begin to compare with how we feel about our son now.

(Really Late) Red

So we’re more than halfway through August and I’m so slack I haven’t posted my red photos yet so here you go:

All About Sprocket at 16 weeks

I’m not sure why I went away from Sprocket as a blog name, and started with Mr T instead. I think it’s because I had a little trouble remembering to call him by his name when he first came home but we’re going to go back to Sprocket around these parts. He’s going to be 16 weeks old tomorrow, and it’s been a while since I blogged so here’s a Sprocket update for you all.

•  We had the karitane nurse come last week, timed to come on Thursday so we would both be there. She was awesome, we like our plunket nurse (who she works with), but this lady was very interested and supportive of the alternative pathways as well as the medical mainstream. Plus she settled down on the floor with our cats and dog and didn’t blink an eye when the dog snuck up behind her and licked her face – we were mortified but she was charmed, go figure! Anyway, Sprocket is doing fantastically well, he weighed in at 6kg which puts him now in the 25th percentile so he’s well and truly catching up from his visit to the 2nd percentile. We measured his length and he’s 61cm so 25th percentile for that as well. He appears to be very long and slender, and we were caught up in thinking what a big boy he is until some friends came around on Sunday with their son who’s only 9 weeks old but still weighs the same lol. We’re very happy with how he’s doing though, the reflux is still very much there but with a combination of losec and ‘erbs we’ve got it about as controlled as it can be I think. He isn’t having any of those horrible stomach cramps he was having a few weeks ago and is still a really happy and cruisy kid.
• With everything else that had been going on, he spent the first two and a half months in disposables, while we had a number of cloth nappies waiting to be tried. The last few weeks we’ve been working out what we do and don’t like and think we’ve come to a decision. There’s definitely a big difference between the styles and brands, so buying one or two of each and testing them out was the best thing we did. You quickly work out which ones fit best, which ones are more secure, which ones leak more, which ones you need more practise fitting! We’ve decided that we like the tots bots ones the best, just deciding between the regular and the bamboo ones. Has anyone used bamboo nappies at all? I’m wondering if they’re going to be too hot in summer or not, they’re definitely thicker but softer too so I’m not sure if that will make a difference or if it’s just a perception that they’ll be hotter.
• Sprocket continues to just love his bath. Seriously, it’s the best thing ever. We have a tummy tub that we use when we’re in a real rush but most nights one of us will have a bath with him which he loves. This lets him lie back with us holding him under the shoulders/keeping his head up and he just goes mad with his arms and legs kicking. he loves to jump in the bath too, and recently started to watch the turtle and duck that we have in there. We’ve got lots of bath toys, both his own and ones we’ve had for his cousins when they’ve stayed, but honestly don’t think he’s going to need them much. He has too much fun on his own. We are looking forward to taking him swimming for the first time, and starting swim lessons hopefully when he’s 6 months.
• The boy can laugh. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. He crinkles his eyes up first, then a crooked smile starts and then comes the giggle. He loves the funny noises mama makes, and apparently he also loves raspberries on his chest. Like I said before, he’s a very happy boy, which makes his Mummy and Mama very happy too. His favourite time to smile is bedtime. He gets put down in his bed sleepy, but still awake, and after a few minutes he will spit his dummy out and murmur/grizzle until one of us puts it back in. As soon as a head appears over the bassinet he is all smiles and laughs and ‘look how cute I am, you can’t resist me, you should pick me up and cuddle me, I love you, you’re pretty’. A charmer I tell you, of course we quickly turn our head away and avoid eye contact so he doesn’t think we’re encouraging him but damn if it isn’t the cutest thing in the world. Luckily he’s pretty good at going down, so it doesn’t take long for him to go to sleep anyway.
• He has started using his hands a lot more too. He’s a big finger sucker, which is great because he’s always been a comfort sucker and now he can do it himself instead of needing the dummy. He’s going to be stubborn about doing things for himself, he’s already started with the bottle and likes to pull it to him and then push it away when he’s done. He sips his losec from a medicine cup like a big boy, and the push/pull communication is great for telling us when he’s ready for the next sip. He is also reaching for his toys and loves hitting at them when he is lying on his play mat.
• His favourite toys are his giraffe, his musical glow worm and a tissue box with a pop out lion on it. He loves music, and he loves to dance (he’s got some pretty cool moves too). We took him to the zoo for the first time last week, and he loved looking up at all the trees. The animals were okay but omg did you see those trees Mum? Our local zoo has started doing annual passes so as soon as the weather starts to warm up we will be getting ourselves set up so we will be frequent visitors.

In other news, we had our one year transfer anniversary the weekend before last. I meant to do a blog but ran out of time/energy. So hard to believe it was only a year ago, it seems like so much has happened since then. That same weekend we had a great time with our friends who were in town and Sprocket was so taken with them that he asked us if they could be his godparents which made everyone very happy . Sprocket came out with us for his first pub lunch, he was meant to be sleeping in his pushchair but he decided to wake up and watch the rugby on the big screen instead. Then he hung out while we played pool, and had his first drink propped up at the bar. As long as he sticks to drinking milk in bars, he’ll be fine!

Last week I finished up at my work, they’ve given me 12 months leave to stay home with Sprocket which is really great of them as it’s more than is legally required (although I’m not 100% sure they realize that). It’s been a really crazy last month or two and I’d been working a couple of hours late most nights leading up to finishing so it’s a big relief to be done for a while. I finished on Wednesday so that we had a few days together before K went back to work, and K said on Thursday night that she could just see the stress falling off me. It was bittersweet finishing because it wasn’t a real farewell as it’s only 12 months, but to be honest I don’t know if I’ll be going back to that same job at the end of it all. I love it, I really do, but it’s a huge job and it’s so stressful I’m not sure if it’s something that I can realistically do without full commitment. And the full commitment rolls over into family life which is far and away my number one priority. I do have a chance to do some contractor work a a few months time which would be great financially but may also open some different doors so we’ll see.

We had a nice couple of days, we had a few appointments to take care of on Thursday so went out for a nice lunch as well, and then the zoo on Friday. We stayed home for most of the weekend to just chill out together, and then yesterday K went back to work which has been incredibly tough. There are lots of humps to get over, but she survived the first day (she will probably blog about this at some point so I’ll leave it to her). Sprocket and I had a good day, he wasn’t impressed that it took so long for me to heat his milk (200mls takes a lot longer than the 50ml top ups we’ve been doing so boy did I get told about that!). He was a bit unsettled though and not at all keen to sleep, so we were both pretty exhausted at the end of it. Today’s been a little better, we switched it up a bit this morning and now he’s still napping which is great. Tomorrow my Mum is coming to stay for a few days so I really should be cleaning up a bit and getting the spare room ready but I’m taking advantage of the quiet to catch up on some blogs (including this one obviously!).

P.S – nearly forgot the most exciting part: as of this weekend, he is now rolling over front to back. He has been trying for a while to go from back to front and so it happened pretty easily when we put him down on his tummy the other day. He’s trying so hard to go the other way too – pulls his legs up and gets himself over on his side with lots of grunting and groaning but not quite all the way. Very proud of himself for getting himself off his tummy though!

Not long left …

… with my beautiful baby boy before I have to start back at work.  THIS SUCKS!! I went out today without baby and left him with Tui and even that was hard and we were only gone a few hours.

I wish I could go back part time or ease my way back into it somehow but unfortunately due to the nature of my job that is impossible.  As a high school teacher with set classes and times rotating day to day it just wouldn’t work.  And I can’t put it off because I had to confirm my return date before I even left, and Tui has tied things up for a years leave at her work starting Wednesday next week so things are all set.  I’m just going to have to suck it up.

My day is going to be something like this:

Wake / Feed T @ 6.30am, leave for work 7.40am.  Pump at breaks 11.30am and 1.00pm.  Leave work approx 3pm though school hours might change a little and I may get to leave a bit earlier meaning I might make it home for his afternoon feed around 4pm.  Mondays we have meetings until about 4.30pm and I have a netball team I’m supposed to resume coaching so supposedly will have practise one day after school to fit in also.  Not too sure if I will manage that or not.  The positives are that on the days where I have no class last period I may get to leave work at 1.00pm if my boss will allow it, which I expect he will.  This might happen once every 5 work days or so, unless it’s a Monday in which case I’ll have to stay for the meeting.  The downside is I have to fit my pumping into my only breaks which means no social interaction or downtime for me at all during the day.  Most breaks I used to work through anyway getting things ready for the next class but it was nice to have the option to take five during the day at some point.  Hopefully though we should be able to manage only 2 bottle feedings during the day, we will see how it goes.

An update on my neighbour vs saw incident – she came over a few days ago basically to say thank you.  She had severed her hand all the way across only the thumb was still attached and connecting her hand and arm.  She was in surgery for 9 hours and in hospital for 2 weeks but she is exceptionally lucky they were able to reattach everything and expect her to make a close to full recovery which is awesome.  She was so thankful for my help and couldn’t believe I got over the fence!  She had some blank spots in her memory and I was able to fill it in for her, I guess that would be important for processing what happened.  Luckily the glove she was wearing jammed the machine or she would have lost her whole hand.

In other news we are really looking forward to this weekend because our very best friends from the other end of the island (6hr drive) are heading up tomorrow to spend the weekend hanging out with us.  It will be the very first time they get to meet Mr T so we are super excited!!!

 

3 months …

… already! I don’t believe it!  Time flies when your having fun and up to your neck in bottles and nappies and washing and …. yeah. 

Things have been somewhat calmer, no majors since my neighbour’s hand vs electric saw incident.  It was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life and I hope I never see anything like it again; it is difficult to get the image out of my head.  I heard some moaning/screaming type noise and at first I thought kids were being stupid as it seemed to stop and then it started up again and the dog was going nuts.  When I went to the door the dog was terrified looking down the back of the section with her tail between her legs barking madly.  Then I thought someone was being assaulted and there was a split second where I am ashamed to admit I stopped and thought if I really wanted to get involved in that.  I went to the back of the section and called out “Do you need help?” and my neighbour (over the back fence who we have never met) panickly called out “Yes, please help me! Help me! Jump the fence, hurry up!”  Well it’s lucky there was no cameras around because honestly I must have looked like Winnie the Pooh trying to haul my fat ass over that 6 foot + fence, it took a couple of attempts.  Then I went over to her and OH MY GOD she had a gash about 2 inches wide and several inches long running from her forearm down to her hand diagonally; she had essentially cut her hand off as it was only just hanging on and at a very odd angle.  She had lost alot of blood.  She had already gone into the house and gotten the phone and was on the phone to the emergency services which explains why the noise stopped at one point.  I took the phone and got her inside and wrapped it in a towel and applied pressure.  Then other neighbours turned up and noone could get in because the doors were locked and the garage door was down and there was no other way to access her due to the fencing situation so she was lucky I was home because noone would have been able to get to her.  Thankfully she was lucid and we were able to get the garage door open, ring her husband and make arrangements for her children at school before the ambulance even arrived.  About then I suddenly realised I have left the baby at home with the door wide open by himself.  It was a sickening feeling I excused myself and ran home as fast as I could and poor bubba was crying in his hammock where I left him.  I had only been gone 10 mins or so but I felt so horrible and can’t imagine what he must have felt.  I still feel incredibly guilty but I could not really have done anything differently.  I grabbed the baby and locked the door and went back to the neighbours.  By then the ambulance was just arriving (why do they take so friggen long?) and her husband had arrived etc.  After they left we set about cleaning up the blood which was all through the kitchen and garage and back yard.  I feel so sorry for that woman – I have no idea what has happened with her I can only hope they were able to save her hand but I would be suprised if they did. 

I have to return to work on August 1st with the start of the new school term.  I cannot put into words how much I am dreading this day.  Aside from the major control issues I have with handing the reins over to Tui (which is not at all a comment on her capabilities, just my own issues I have to deal with) I feel incredibly guilty about leaving Mr T and incredibly sad.  I don’t want to be apart from him at all.  I miss him even when he is in the back seat of the car!  And now he looks for me, and especially looks at the milk factory when he’s hungry, and I can’t help feeling he is going to think I have abandoned him.  I worry about losing our bond as he is away from me for 2 or 3 feeds a day.  I have only 3 bags of milk in the freezer too.  We are still topping him up with expressed milk every feed and formula when he needs it so there isn’t much spare.  I know I am doing my best but I can’t help but feeling like a failure sometimes.  I also feel like things are just starting to even out.  We are starting to get on top of managing his reflux and he is consistently putting on weight.  We are getting into a groove with routines.  And now I have to go back to work and I don’t get to enjoy the best part of this all.  Where everything comes together and you can just concentrate on just being together and enjoying each other without anything else to worry about. 

I am really unsure about how I am going to manage the demands of my job as well as devoting myself to T every minute I am home.  I was barely managing with my workload before T arrive so how I will manage now I don’t know.  I’m trying not to worry about all this as best I can but it’s really hard.  I don’t want to waste time being unhappy thinking about going back to work when I’m still off work and should be enjoying it.  It’s just every day that passes I get sadder.  It’s like an impending doom … yuck. 

Here are some photos of the boy!  Including the two month pic we missed posting.  Who wouldn’t be sad having to think about leaving this cuteness each day?

 

2 months ... sleepy bubba

Hey dude you're furry like me!

 

 

Mama why are you always pointing that thing at me?Holy crap that flash is bright!!

 

Diagnosis

Today we had Mr T’s appointment with the ENT specialist. All up we were there for 3 hours, starting with an xray and then a long wait before the doctor could see us. She took some history and asked lots of questions, and then a bronchoscopy to see what was happening in his airway.

Now THAT was fun – a camera on a long skinny tube fed through his nose down to his larynx. He screamed the whole way through it, and the first time there was too much mucus to see through so they pulled it out to start again. Luckily this time they did get good pictures as it was getting to be too much to watch let alone go through, the poor little boy. He is amazing though, so resilient and again as soon as they took the tube out he quitened down then went straight to Mummy K for some much needed snuggles.

The doctor confirmed that he does have laryngomalacia, as well as the nasty old reflux. It was hard to follow and remember all the details but basically it’s a chicken and egg situation – one makes the other worse which then stirs up the first one. His epiglottis (I think) was very swollen and red, but he only has a mild case of it so he doesn’t need an operation thank goodness. She has told us what to look out for if it worsens, in which case the op may be needed, but I think that’s not likely to happen. It often peaks around 6 months, and then starts getting better and usually grown out of it by the time they are 18-24 months. Already his stridor breathing is less frequent than it was, but he’s still having issues when he’s feeding and often gags and gasps for breath. She also seemed a little concerned about his weight still, and said she would be happier if he was gaining faster than he is (he is gaining well now, and has been for the last 6 months, but he’s still in a much lower percentile than when he was born and compared with his other stats).

So basically we’re continuing with the losec to keep on top of things and make him more comfortable. We know it could be a lot worse too, but it’s so hard watching him in pain and struggling, let alone having such invasive tests done. We are so proud of him though, no matter what he’s been through he is so brave and trusting of everyone he meets and above all he’s still a happy, easy going boy.