Not what I want to be

Tonight I’m a solo mum while Tui is out having a well-earned break at a friend’s hen’s night.

My life feels like a treadmill that increases in speed daily and just when I start to feel like I’m doing ok, some mo-fo alters the gradient and I’m scrambling to keep up.  Either that I or feel like I’m drowning.  Just coming up for air and more “stuff” is dropped on me and down I go again.

I have been loathe to blog because sometimes I feel that there has been too much negative on our page and, well, who really wants to read all that.  Cute baby pictures or videos accompanied with humourous parenting anecdotes are far more entertaining.  But sometimes things get toxic and it can feel like not talking/writing/blogging results in a slow poisoning of the soul.  And sometimes, (most of the time) I really just can’t be f**cked acknowledging crap in my life, especially when it’s some s**t that doesn’t deserve my time or effort and you know what maybe if I ignore it enough and don’t acknowledge it’s presence it’ll just disappear.

But here we are.  What you should know about me, is that despite my best efforts to lead an optomistic life, it seems that whatever could possibly go wrong, will go wrong and it’s likely it will be the worst case scenario in any given situation.  Being the eternal optomist I chose to believe that I am really stacking up the karma odds in my favour so that at some point in the future, there will be some collosal swing back in the other direction such as a mammoth lottery win, and all will be right in the world.  I will be ok with that.

In some ways, I have already won and I am quick to acknowledge almost daily how lucky I am to have such an amazing caring wife and such a clever, gorgeous son.  In my own screwed up way I try not to complain because I fear that the universe will determine me ungrateful and the two best things in my life would be at risk in some way.  That is how my mind works.  I regularly feel on a subconcious level that something has happened to sprocket.  For example, on numerous nights I have awoken either myself or Tui or both of us by frantically searching the bed because I think Sprocket is lost.  Last night I turned the light on and looked for him, Tui assured me he was safe in bed and I said “I’ve done it again haven’t I” and turned light off and went back to sleep – I have no recollection of this whatsoever.  My mind is f**ked up.

I am at the point where something has to change or more accurately, everything has to change. I am not a happy camper.  I don’t even know where to start.  While I have been on a mission since the birth of our son (well in all honesty probably since we started TTC or even well before that, though it has intensified since his birth) to improve my life, to “fix” everything I’m not happy with in order to be happy.  I truly thought that 2011 was just a crappy year, especially that wanky November month and the fresh new year brought in feelings of hope and anticipation of what might be.  Then last Sunday, I awoke at 1.30am with another case of atrial fibrilation.  Following doctor advice I took my medication, went back to sleep ok.  I woke up feeling unsure if it had passed or not so we went to the medical clinic just to get checked before going out for breakfast and spending the morning shopping.  Brief run down – have ECG, doctor insists on transfer to hospital via ambulance, spend another day in hospital, alone, having numerous blood tests, ECG tests then released at 6pm having wasted another day sitting in that friggen place instead of spending time with my family and preparing for the week ahead.

Having been through this on 2 occasions already in the past 10 months and having been thoroughly checked out by doctors etc it’s really just an unpredictable, supposedly non-life threatening event.  Having not experienced any palpitations or associated feelings throughout my summer vacation I felt I was passed it.  So this took me somewhat by suprise and all that confidence I had in my health has been shattered.  I have reverted back to worrying about my health, dying, leaving my wife alone to raise a child and leaving my son without his mummy.  Couple this with ongoing issues with my archilles tendon (where most nights I can barely walk), currently unidentified abdominal issues requiring an ultrasound next week, periods lasting 2 weeks and requiring hourly changes in the first 3 days thanks to a combination of blood thinners for leg clot from archilles injury and general return of post partum periods – needless to say I just feel broken.  Physically and mentally.

I am currently seeing a counsellor which I initially went to to get over past sexual abuse trauma that I have not really dealt with because that along with our TTC issues appear to have contributed largely to our less than ideal birth experience.  And yes I am yet to blog about this.  I haven’t in many ways accepted how things rolled out or how things were for me after the birth and have continued to snowball since.  Anyway since seeing this counsellor so many other things have come to light and right now I feel like I have so many things to work on I don’t know which way is up. 

One major issue plaguing me daily is my job.  I partially blame the return to work after summer break 3 weeks ago and the immediate return of the stress and exhaustion as one reason why I had the AF event last Sunday.  There was also an incident at my job in the past week where one of my students died which possibly contributed (jumped off 10 metre bridge into river to cool off after school, landed on a friend, got knocked out and drowned)  I’m so numb most of the time I don’t even know when things affect me.  I feel like a robot much of the time just completing tasks all day and getting up the next day and completing the same ones over again.  Teaching is a stressful job.  Teaching at a school in a low socio economic area is even more stressful.  On February 28th I will have been teaching at this school for ten years.  I have by default become a long serving staff member.  In terms of promotion the only thing left to achieve at my school or by moving to another school would be to become a Deputy Principal, which I don’t want to do anyway.  Not that I could really change schools anyway because there are NO teaching jobs around.  Everyone is staying put, probably due to the economic climate.  I have no idea what else I would do if I wasn’t a teacher.  I have never wanted to be anything else.  I have no idea how I would find another job to match what I’m currently earning either without retraining.  So I feel stuck.  Alot of the time I hate my job and feel sick driving there.  And other days I love it.  I guess it’s the same for alot of people.  I just wish it wasn’t so damn stressful.

Other major issues for me include my health (those mentioned, plus my weight and current level of unhappiness), my relationship with my son and or TTC#2, financial stability, and general family issues.  I feel like I am doing everything I possibly can but it isn’t enough. 

I wish I could take a year off work to just focus on getting sorted.  I think if I could deal with my health issues I could deal with everything else.  My counsellor has said I focus on ensuring everyone else’s are met before my own – do you think this is a standard party line they say to everyone?  She seems to think I need to do whatever it takes to look after myself.  Unfortunately last time I looked not working and meditation interspersed with other self help endeavours didn’t pay the bills.  Come on lotto win!!

In the meantime, step one:  Make a plan for attacking all above issues and figure out where I can make a start on improving something. 

Post to follow will include photos etc of insanely cute boy child.  Likely to be password protected from here on out so if you want it let us know.  And if you’ve read this far I’m bloody impressed.  That is all.


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4 Responses to Not what I want to be

  1. Pomegranate says:

    i’m so sorry things have been so hard. they always seem to snowball. i have no advice to offer, but i do hope the pendulum swings the other way for you soon.

  2. hey there. i’m sorry about the suck and sorrier for the feeling that you shouldn’t write about it. you’d never know from my own frequent online wailing, but i know just what you mean.

    but really? i don’t like reading blogs that are only happy and sunny. they are boring and make me feel bad about my own life, which, like all real, not sanitized for public view lives, isn’t always happy and sunny. so please, write about all the stuff.


  3. Next in line says:

    When it rains it pours! Sorry that is raining over there in your corner of the world. Hugs. I hope it gets easier.

  4. Stacey says:

    It’s late here and I can’t string together the right reply here: bad time for us too!! I was stuck alone in a house with an unwell client who really wanted to hurt me- was lucky to get out. Very shaken up and home on stress leave- directed by bosses. So my mind is struggling to reply to this post ATM, but I want you to know you are not alone. Sometimes life really does suck. I kept saying to myself ‘ebb and flow’ things HAVE to get better soon right?!? Sending love!! From Stace and meg.

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