Sneak Attacks

(yes I know it’s been two months and there is a tonne of sprocket related updates to be given – and there will soon be a post full of awesome stories of crawling, the world of solids, first word and how fortunate we are to have had some amazing family time the last 6 weeks – but I really needed to get this out first)

We always knew that we wanted more than one child, and despite how difficult/long/expensive our journey to get to one was, we still want at least one more (preferably two). However there are a lot of realities that we have to deal with, the first being that financially it is not something that we can even try for at least another couple of years. We’re not sure how or what that trying will look like – whether K or I carry, even whether we adopt/foster if all else fails. K would like to have another one, although it’s looking pretty likely her endometriosis is back with a vengeance so probably would necessitate another operation ($4-5k) before going straight back to ivf ($10-15k). I am untested, with my own issues, so the jury’s still out on me.

Aside from that we want to buy our own house before too much more time goes past but the reality is that right now we’re only able to save a certain amount after paying off our debt and we will not be able to do both at once so that’s probably several years down the track unless something changes drastically. We also have many travel dreams with friends and family all across the world who would like us to visit (and us them) with the promise of free accomodation once we got there. This wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t right at the bottom of the world where it costs so much to get anywhere. For example we would love to go and visit our niece in Georgia sometime in the next few years while she’s at school there but when it comes down to it the cost of the trip wouldn’t be too far off the cost of a round of ivf.

We are in this position because of choices we’ve made, for instance choosing for me to be a stay at home mum and foregoing that second income and persisting for so long (and subsequently indebting ourselves) with journey #1. But these are choices that we stand by 100%. We love Sprocket so much that it sounds a little silly to even try and type it. We know we are incredibly lucky and blessed to have him in our lives. He has made our family – as much as we love each other and always will, the dimension that this beautiful little soul has brought to our lives is unfathomable. Besides, we wouldn’t even be talking about #2 if we didn’t have him anyway.

So we’ve given ourselves til the end of the year to really decide what we are going to do, and when.

Backtracking a little I have a good, younger friend who was one of the few people irl that I really talked to about our struggles to get pregnant over the past 4 years (I mean emotionally rather than just the facts – those I was pretty free with). Only a couple of weeks after we found out for sure that Sprocket was viable, she came to me with the news that she was very unexpectedly pregnant to her relatively new boyfriend. Those of us touched by fertility struggles knows what it’s like to be kicked in the gut when you hear of other’s pregnancies and let me tell you this would have been by far the worst one for me. My overwhelming emotion was relief and my only thought was thank freaking goodness we got there first because I know I would not have been able to handle it otherwise. I was also her boss at the time so while she told me as a friend I also had to work through the work side of things with her, so avoidance was not an option. As time has gone on it’s been a blessing I guess, Sprocket and her son are only a few weeks apart which is great for all of us.

See where this is going yet?

Today I got a text from her saying she had news, and when I spoke to her she told me she’s just found out she’s pregnant again. Complete accident, complete shock. I talked through it with her on the phone well enough but as soon as I hung up and had to tell K, it hit me. The kick in the gut. I am happy that other people don’t have to go through hell and back, really I am, but for some people it is just so ridiculously easy and it hurts. We have to do so much planning, saving, soul searching and sacrificing to even being the long process of trying again and they don’t even have to think about it.

That was our dream, to have our children close together but the reality is they will be a few years apart. But the rose coloured glasses are well and truly off – without ‘borrowing trouble’ we know now that another baby is not a guarantee, nor is it be likely to be a simple process or a couple of months of trying. K and I are both the youngest in our families, with big gaps of several years between us and our youngest sibling (in my case 8 years and 18 years to the oldest). We didn’t want that for our son but circumstances seem to be heading that way and I guess this news has driven home the fact that save for a significant financial windfall we are in fact heading in that direction.

So right now I feel like I’ve been clubbed in the head from behind and am mourning that dream. Sometimes it all just sneaks up on you, you know?


About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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2 Responses to Sneak Attacks

  1. ugh, ugh, ugh. i recently found out about a friend’s easy conception — she told me while the pee must still have been wet on the stick (and we aren’t THAT close), and i would bet money, based on a conversation we had a few months prior, that it was try #1. it’s hard not to be eaten up with envy, especially since there’s much else to envy about her life (inherited wealth, etc.) and she is very competitive, but i am incredibly grateful that at least the bean was already out in the world when this happened. i might have just killed her, if not; i spent one memorable evening giving stink-eye to a much sweeter friend i thought was pregnant ahead of me, only to realize some time later that she had just gained weight. friend of the year, right here: you get chubby and i HATE you. nice.

    i think the plan of giving yourselves the year to think on all this is really, really smart. none of these decisions deserve rushing, even if it feels like that sometimes to me.

    on a side note, you’d have to pay for k’s operation, too? i thought that wasn’t how it worked in civilized countries (unlike in my own).

  2. JDZ says:

    I feel your pain! I have that same person in my life. Pregnant with #2 and has made it look so easy I want to scream. Our first kids are weeks apart and if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant before she announced #1 I would have needed a padded cell.
    It sucks. ):

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