Just been in for bloods and first scan – looks like we have 12 cooking in there again (same as we had last time). We have a couple of 14’s, then a mix of 12’s and 10’s. Need to bake ’em a bit longer so two more nights of stims then scan again on saturday, probably trigger saturday night for a monday pick up. Hilarious that it should fall on the first day back at school for the term. Note the sarcasm. That will no doubt go down like a lead balloon with the boss, students and staff. Oh well shit happens. Le sigh.
I don’t know what the hell my problem is! I was so nervous before I went in for the scan. It was just a friggen scan! Sitting in the waiting room I felt like I was having some kind of panic attack or something – heart pounding, butterflies and feeling like I wanted to cry. I looked down and realised I had wound the appointment slip around my fingers so many times it was now permanently shaped as a cylinder. I was so glad to see our fav nurse come out to greet me – had a bit of a talk with her about it and she was very sympathetic. We love her. I must admit while we try to go to most appointments together, often the little ones like scans I do on my own, and I really missed my wife today. I don’t know what it is about this time that is causing me such issues. Even when they picked out all the eggs, which is a good response, I was just more upset about the fact it meant the egg collection wouldn’t be done before the holidays were over. I mean I just heard someone else come out of the room and clarify how many eggs they had, and it was 5. And they said that was good. I have more than double that. I was worried there were going to be none showing on the scan, for whatever crazy reasoning I would have for that. But there were 12. And yet I’m still anxious. I have this horrible pit of negativity in me. I think I’m usually optimistic. Am I? I’m usually excited about this sort of thing … but this time it’s like I don’t want to get excited because I’m expecting it to go wrong. Because it’s me and that’s how my life works. Bloody hell. I hate feeling this way. I can act otherwise but it’s how I’m really feeling. Wish I could change it as I generally ascribe to the believe that you attract what you put out into the universe. So I will desperately try to not be negative and be happy and positive and think about being pregnant, yet there’s this nagging bitch deep down inside saying “yeah right, whatever”. ARGGGGH!!! I hope that goes away. Please go away. Leave me alone. Take your crappy ass karma away and leave me nothing but zen like optimism.
But for now, I will just “harden the fuck up” as we say down our ways and get on with it.