Looks like a dozen again …

Just been in for bloods and first scan – looks like we have 12 cooking in there again (same as we had last time).  We have a couple of 14’s, then a mix of 12’s and 10’s.  Need to bake ’em a bit longer so two more nights of stims then scan again on saturday, probably trigger saturday night for a monday pick up.  Hilarious that it should fall on the first day back at school for the term.  Note the sarcasm.  That will no doubt go down like a lead balloon with the boss, students and staff.  Oh well shit happens.  Le sigh. 

I don’t know what the hell my problem is! I was so nervous before I went in for the scan.  It was just a friggen scan!  Sitting in the waiting room I felt like I was having some kind of panic attack or something – heart pounding, butterflies and feeling like I wanted to cry.  I looked down and realised I had wound the appointment slip around my fingers so many times it was now permanently shaped as a cylinder.  I was so glad to see our fav nurse come out to greet me – had a bit of a talk with her about it and she was very sympathetic.  We love her.  I must admit while we try to go to most appointments together, often the little ones like scans I do on my own, and I really missed my wife today.  I don’t know what it is about this time that is causing me such issues.  Even when they picked out all the eggs, which is a good response, I was just more upset about the fact it meant the egg collection wouldn’t be done before the holidays were over.  I mean I just heard someone else come out of the room and clarify how many eggs they had, and it was 5.  And they said that was good.  I have more than double that.  I was worried there were going to be none showing on the scan, for whatever crazy reasoning I would have for that.  But there were 12.  And yet I’m still anxious.  I have this horrible pit of negativity in me.  I think I’m usually optimistic.  Am I?  I’m usually excited about this sort of thing … but this time it’s like I don’t want to get excited because I’m expecting it to go wrong.  Because it’s me and that’s how my life works.  Bloody hell.  I hate feeling this way.  I can act otherwise but it’s how I’m really feeling.  Wish I could change it as I generally ascribe to the believe that you attract what you put out into the universe.  So I will desperately try to not be negative and be happy and positive and think about being pregnant, yet there’s this nagging bitch deep down inside saying “yeah right, whatever”.  ARGGGGH!!! I hope that goes away.  Please go away.  Leave me alone.  Take your crappy ass karma away and leave me nothing but zen like optimism. 

 But for now, I will just “harden the fuck up” as we say down our ways and get on with it.

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4 Responses to Looks like a dozen again …

  1. **hugs**
    this is a HARD process, be gentle with yourself. i’ll keep my fingers crossed the little eggies get moving and you can squeeze in a sunday ER (one less thing to worry about…)

  2. strawberry says:

    It’s such a roller coaster…I’m not surprised you’re feeling so anxious. Sounds like a great start though!

  3. Pomegranate says:

    this TTC shit is a mind-fuck. i’m right there with you. last cycle i had a complete breakdown the day i had to trigger. this month it’s an overarching ennui instead of specific emotional breakdowns. i will probably be triggering again today.

  4. poppycat says:

    How did I not realize how close you are??? Its a terrible mindfuck isn’t it? I’m holding the highest hope for you my dear. I’ve got your back on the positive pregnancy thoughts.

    12 is great! I can’t wait for your next update.

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