Double dose

Hi everyone in blog land, congrats to those BFP’s in the past few days!!!! I can live vicariously through you all until it is our turn. 

I’m a week into injections.  I had a blood test yesterday, going for another one on Thursday plus a scan that morning.  I’m really hoping we are good to go with the trigger Thursday night otherwise we will have to buy more drugs.   Last time we were set with three pens.   But because I’m an idiot I thought it would be a really good idea to inject myself an extra dose one day.  Ok so I didn’t actually consciously do it, but nevertheless Sunday night I went into mild panic when I found my pen empty a dose early.  Worked out in my early morning stupor I had taken both the stim and suppressant instead of just the suppressant.  Tui rang the doctor, luckily no real harm done except possible over stimulation plus we are down a dose.  I bet we are one dose short come Thursday.  STUPID!  No wonder I felt like crap all day Sunday – lethargic and foggy.

I always battle to relax and wind down during school holidays, but for some reason these holidays have been even harder than normal.  I am feeling very unsettled.  I guess it’s the focus on the IVF that’s doing it.  My nervousness about what will happen.  Knowing the amount of money we have put into this.  Knowing this is my last shot because we can’t afford any more.  My only chance after this is to lose a whole lot of weight by March to get a funded round which feels impossible.  May as well tell me to go climb Mt Everest; sure, it’s possible, but not very likely.  Even more frustrating is the timing isn’t how I wanted it.  I wanted the embryo transfer done in my holidays so I could rest.  That is not going to happen now, there is even the possibility that retrieval may fall next week, first week back at work.  Difficult to take time off, and no way I can take the time I wanted to, to rest.  Why is this all so hard ALL THE FRIGGEN TIME.  This is our 15th?!?! attempt to get pregnant.  BLAAAA … bad headspace day.  I tend to get a bit this way when I’m home alone on holidays – too much time to think and over process everything.

I have been doing everything right – we have gone vegetarian, I’m eating the foods CMM tell me to eat, I’m going to accupuncture, I’m using the moxy sticks to warm the uterus, I’m keeping warm, I’m trying to get enough sleep, I’m trying to relax … just all feels a bit overwhelming.  I’m stressing about relaxing!! Like, oh no, I’m not relaxed – got to relax, got to relax … doesn’t work that way.  I had an odd experience the other night.  Those of you who don’t believe in the following, each to their own.  I have had 3 seperate experiences now that prove otherwise.  Anyway I was dreaming and I woke up and opened my eyes, and there was a spirit standing next to my bed.   It was a olden days doctor – had the headband thingy with the metal thing on it (sorry dunno what it’s really called) and the old style leather medical bag in his hand.  Just standing there.  I screamed, shut my eyes and it was gone when I opened my eyes again.  Very odd.  Hopefully he was just there to ‘fix’ something.  I dunno.  All I know is that it was there.  Haven’t slept properly since (last two nights) so I’m really hoping that tonight I can sleep well.  Lord knows I need it.

Meantime back at school next week I will be stepping into a bit of a promotion.  One is the Year 9 dean job, which I took over last term to fill in, but I have been made ‘permanent’ until the end of the year.  The other thing I have been doing, along with a few others is filling in as Deputy Principal when needed.  Next term I will be doing it for a 5 week stint as our boss goes on sabatical.  Pay rise = good, extra work/stress = bad, Value to future CV = good.  So yeah, will be a busy crazy term, and I’m going to be pregnant and throwing up all through it … power of positive thinking!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD, LET IT BE OUR TURN …

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3 Responses to Double dose

  1. Next in Line says:

    You are going to be pregnant and feeling fantastic and looking as cute as a button for this next term! It is soooo your turn. Come on God please it really is their turn.

  2. tbean says:

    It is definitely your turn. Believe me, this was our try 17 and that feeling of desperation was so acute. But I think the surgery has done some wonders for you and I am so hopeful!

  3. Olive says:

    We are definitely grumpy vacation twins! I’m sorry you’re in this state – I know just how you feel. I too am incredibly hopeful for this cycle, though. It’s time for you two to catch a break!

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