This weekend has been so much fun. It started out with K announcing on Friday night that she wasn’t going to do any work whatsoever during the next three weekends, she is a teacher and also in middle management so always has plenty of paperwork , marking, reports etc to do which usually end up being done on Sundays. Saturday we woke up and it was foggy, cold and miserable so K had the great plan of going over to the east coast and some hot pools before she was pregnant and couldn’t (see, positivity?). It turned out to be a lovely sunny, warm day there and we had a great time playing mini golf, lunch in a nice Japanese restaurant, trawling for treasures on the beach (very successfully I might add) and finished up with a nice relaxing swim in the hot pools. Bliss. And the best part was we used two for one vouchers for everything we did – bonus. Then we drove back home for a couple of hours through thick horrible fog in the dark which wasn’t so much fun!
Last night K got called by her old soccer team to see if she could play today. She’s not playing at all this year and was only on and off around baby stuff for the past couple of years, so it was great timing before this round starts. They’re playing against one of the top teams and she was a bit nervous because she’s goalie and hasn’t played for so long but I’m sure she’s doing great! I’m filling in time at home because I have to take our Princess cat back to the vet, she was in all last weekend with a uti and she’s getting worse again the poor thing. After that I’ll pick K up and we’re off to the craft show which hopefully will be inspiring for us both!
It’s hitting me just how much I’ve enjoyed this break from ttc for the past nine months. The intense desire for children hasn’t abated at all, but it’s been so nice to have such an extended period where we’ve been able to concentrate on.. well our lives. I believe that we have been lucky, and worked hard, to grow stronger than ever over the past 2 1/2 years, but it’s still been nice just to focus on ourselves and each other for a bit. For the most part, we’ve both been on a really even keel emotionally and I have to say I’ve enjoyed it immensely. And to think how devastated and angry I was at the idea of such a long break back in October! We were so beaten down, but at the same time so deep in it that it’s taken all these months to truly realise just how much.
I worry all the time about what is going to happen with this cycle. I try so hard not to, I am a great believer in the power of positivity, but it still creeps in. I was talking to a workmate about it last week, making sure I had cover at short notice for the retrieval and transfer, and it hit me – in about four weeks I am either going to be happier than I have ever been, or as devastated as I’ve ever been. I know from last time that once K starts the injections tomorrow, things are going to move faster and faster but there is a little part of me that just wants to pause here. Here where I can still hold the hope in both hands, enjoy those little bubbles of excitement that rise up every now and then, imagine the early symptoms that K will have without wondering if they are the symptoms of a new cycle dawning.
If the past nine months have taught us anything, it’s that we can live without children. If, God forbid, that day were to come we would be okay. But equally it’s made it clear that we still don’t want to; we’re still not ready to give up.
I feel like we’re standing at the top of a hill with two paths. One path is lined with wildflowers and a well worn track, the other is a jagged tumble of rocks and gorse. I just hope that this time, we end up the right path and can start to put our wounds behind us.