Wow, two posts in a week.. and this one is vaguely ttc related, how lucky are you!
As K said in the last post, the holidays have been bloody fantastic. We did have a great holiday together, and for once in her life K has actually put herself first and managed to relax which is even better. In between that we’ve been getting more organized around the house and putting some things in place that will hopefully make our lives a lot easier and less stressful once K goes back to work in February.
One of which is that we decided to semi-organize all of the baby clothes that have accumulated in our house the past few years. See when we first started this baby business, K’s sister had just had her last baby (or so she thought at the time) and was selling a lot of her kids clothes. She offered to let us go through and pull out some of the really nice outfits to keep for ours so of course we jumped at the chance and took a modest bagful home with us. Since then she has had another baby, and several more cleanouts, and that modest bag has long since blown out. It’s been a bit of a guilty secret in a way, it has felt like tempting fate but it has been nice at the same time to have those clothes in our house. We just can’t bring ourselves to get rid of any of it, even it were jinxing things, because you never know.. we might need it all just around the corner and we’re pretty damn lucky to have this all on tap to begin with. The problem is that they just took over a couple of dressers (and then some) and we didn’t really no what we had. So last night we got the whole lot out, dumped it on the spare bed and tried sorting it vaguely into size piles. It was fun actually. There have been times that looking at/through those clothes has been such a sad and painful thing to do, but this time it felt good to be organizing them somewhat. I think at the moment we are as far from the pain of ttc as we could be. We’ve had a few months to digest what has happened, it still hurts.. of course it does.. but we’re also moving forward to the next step. At the same time that next step is still months away, we’re just shy of halfway through our (semi) self imposed break, and although we still think and talk about it plenty it is far enough in the future that we don’t constantly worry about the outcome.
Most of the time at least 😉
But yes, back to the clothes – here is a shot of the whole lot dumped on the bed, with Puppy Tai in the bottom corner trying to figure out where the hell it all came from! The scary part is that K’s sister has this much again stored at her house.. and a cot.
Today we had the appointment with our clinic Dr at his private practise to discuss surgery for K’s endometriosis, so I took the day off work as well. We decided to make it into a ‘date day’ so we dressed up nicely and went to the movies (The Lovely Bones) and then a nice lunch at a Japanese restaurant as well.
The appointment itself was pretty straight forward, not really anything new from when we spoke to him at the clinic last. The course of action is that K is now scheduled to have this surgery on April 6th, which falls in the first week of her next school holidays. This means she will have nearly two weeks at home so shouldn’t need to take any time off work for recovery. The next step is to check out how much her insurance will cover (hopefully all of it because it’s $10-13k all up!). Insurance is the reason we went to see him privately, building a case for them to cover it based on non fertility based symptoms such as severe period pain that nearly ended her up in hospital one time last year.
When we were talking after the appointment we both said we’d had an irrational fear that he wouldn’t remember/recognise us away from the clinic. Weird I know, but we have only seen him 3-4 times over the last few years, but anyway he came into the waiting room and greeted us both by name and with a handshake which was reassuring lol.
Seeing as we weren’t far away, we called into the clinic to pay a leftover bill and see how much sperm we had left in the bank. I’d been stressing a bit that we might have run out and wouldn’t have time to get BD to do another donation and be quarantined etc before the next IVF round. We have three more rounds worth, including some from the same batch as the last IVF round which we know was good at fertilizing! So that’s good to know as well, because it was successful last time they’ll use that batch first.
While we were there we also asked to speak to the Clinic Director who dealt with our complaint letter so we could thank her for her response. She said again she was so pleased that we had the guts to put it all in writing and let them know what they had done wrong. She said they apparently had a team leader meeting yesterday where she confirmed that they have put in place the changes outlined in her response which is great. She also said we should notice some changes next time we deal with them – we’ll see but I sure hope so! While we were sitting in the waiting room Nurse Bobble Head came through and gave us a very very cool hello-and-quickly-look-away-awkwardly half greeting so obviously nothing has changed there. But that’s alright, we don’t like her much anyway.. but shh!
So all in all it was a good day, it feels like we are moving forward and although the plan is the same as it was a couple of months ago, we are one more step closer to it I guess. K is understandably nervous about the surgery but the Dr is confident it will be successful in measurably lessening her symptoms (fantastic!) and make it easier for the transfer next time round. I think it’s pretty clear to everyone now that the IUI’s were getting progressively more difficult and painful to get in, and the transfer nearly didn’t happen for those reasons so there’s got to be a reason why. The Drs are sure there is a lesion or something pushing out and narrowing her cervix, and if they don’t fix that first I can’t see us being able to get anywhere close to a transfer again after the last experience.
In the last month we have also investigated adoption. Adoption in NZ is limited to married couples or single people – i.e no one ‘living in sin’ as a defacto or civil unioned couple. It’s an outdated law that is in desperate need of being updated but alas not on the agenda for our current government. It doesn’t strictly speaking stop gay people from adopting but would mean that only one of us would legally be the parent. There are also not many adoptions per year in NZ, about 80 for 2008 in the information we were sent. However, having said that in the region we live in there were 11 adoptions that year, with 19 people on the waiting list which is actually pretty good odds. That said I’m pretty sure that our chances of being picked out by the birth mother as a gay person versus a straight married couple would be pretty slim. It would absolutely come down to the birth mother, as it should, and whether the law allowed us to adopt as a couple or not wouldn’t change how the birth mother feels about a gay person/couple raising her baby.
So we decided that we would just go through the screening and interviews etc and get on the waiting list regardless of the chances. We figured we would do this and then try our best to just forget about it, not get our hopes up, but still be in with a shot Just In Case. Sadly though, we found out that if you are undergoing IVF you cannot go through this process until you have finished with that so that’s that out the window for now. We’ll probably still go to the initial information meeting but can’t officially apply until we’re done with trying ourselves.
I guess you could say all in all things are looking up. We’re focusing more on non-ttc life, and it’s going well. We’re definitely not at the giving up point though. This time away from ttc has not brought about an abrubt end to thinking and talking about kids as it might have. Instead we are back to the dreaming stage. You know the one, where conversations and wishes are peppered with references to the ‘one day kids’. There is a tinge of sadness still around these comments, but like I said before our next try is far enough away that we don’t carry the full weight of what that possible future outcome may be yet.
I still can’t imagine our lives being child free. I think the past few months have brought us closer to imagining that than we ever thought we would have to get, but we’re certainly not all the way there. It has taught us that if it does come to that, we will be ok. We are strong enough to deal with that and make the most of our lives regardless. But we still have hope. Hope that this next IVF round will work. Hope that somewhere out there is a child who will make their place within our family. We care less how that comes about, but we can’t shake that feeling that this is still meant to be. It is a double edged sword. I’m pretty sure that when the next IVF round comes my protection instincts will kick in pretty damn well and make it hard for me to hope. God knows I don’t want to go down there again, but even so we can’t give up yet either.
So the plan is ever so slightly more concrete. Surgery definitely in April, IVF probably in July. Healthy living (mind, body and soul – cliche I know but we’re trying) until then.