The trees for the forest

Tomorrow is our two year blogversary. Two years ago K was away on a school camp (just like now) and I was quelling my boredom by googling lesbian babymaking or something along those lines. Eventually that led me to a blog, which led me to another and finally all of this. Two years. Wow. I recently read the first few posts and I am blown away by the hope we had in the beginning, at times it seems like just yesterday but other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I remember reading some of the then-old timers blogs and being in awe of their strength to still be at this for so long. It never even occurred to me that we’d get close to being one of them but it is also an inspiration to have seen them go on to finally have their babies.

There are so many psuedo regrets I have about all of this, I call them pseudo regrets because for most of them at least I can honestly say that we made the best decision we could at the time with the information we had. And if you can say that, how can you regret it?

We had so many breaks during all of this that it’s easy to look back and think if only we had powered through, we would have been at this point 11 months ago, it can seem like such wasted time. But I know that there was no way we could have done that with our sanity intact. We needed those breaks otherwise this whole thing would have consumed us (more so than it already has).

We could have been more aggressive and done IVF earlier. But I know that there is no way we would ever have come to that decision. We didn’t want to go that far with the drugs and intervention and when we finally did it was because we truly felt there was no other choice. There’s no way we would have come to that earlier, we were all about ‘when it’s meant to happen it’ll happen’. Which we still believe to a point but really now it just feels like plain dumb luck.

The Doctor could have done a better job and diagnosed the endo earlier, thus getting a insurance covered lap last year. Ok there’s no But with this one, we’re still pissed about that.

We should have bought a house because we wanted to without worrying about when we drop down to one income, as it turns out we’re still on two incomes and once K’s student loan is paid off next year, and the car the year after, we’ll have a lot more cash around. But then we probably would have struggled to get a loan and/or save for IVF. And that would have been heartbreaking. Plus we still can’t decide which town we want to live in.

It’s undeniable that we have become a closer couple and a stronger team through all of this, but there are other things that have benefited from the waiting. My job being one, I am miles ahead of where I was two years ago careerwise and had it gone to plan I would only have been working at my current organization for 9 months. Instead I have been there 2 years and among other things made some fantastic friends. Our puppy has grown into an adult dog now and although she is far too spoiled and loves kids, it would have been incredibly difficult dealing with her terrible puppyness and a newborn at the same time.

Of course these things don’t make our childlessness any easier whatsoever. They’re really just excuses. We could have done without all of this devastation, the tears, the disappointments, the anger, the fears and the flirtation with depression after it’s long absence from our lives.  When I think about another Christmas without a baby or a pregnant wife I don’t even know what I feel. It’s not just this Christmas, it’s next Christmas too. Hopefully K will be pregnant by then but with our chosen timeline it means yet another Christmas with a little one. As the months pass by our nieces, nephews and friend’s babies all get older – the dreams we had for our babies to grow up together, for Mummy coffee dates  just drift pass with them.  I know when our kids are older a year or two won’t make a difference, but for now it does. K and I are both the youngest and it’s hard, not mentioning the fact that we no longer take for granted that it will happen at all. I feel numb about it all. Like I can’t let myself feel it – there’s not a damn thing I can do about it anyway.

That said, we do feel good about our timeline. We need this time to get ourselves back together, it has been a hell of a year for both of us for a lot of reasons and we need to heal from that before we can do this again.

The letter was great. The biggest part is its validation of our feelings. Like many of you said, it feels good to know they’ve taken our experiences on board and made changes that will benefit others too. One of my good friends at work has to go through them now too and knows what we put up with. So it felt good to tell him they’re fixing things, hoping that they won’t have to deal with the same.

In a lot of ways it feels to me like when we finally get to the next round of IVF, it will be like a fresh start. We have the apology from the clinic so we’re back on an even footing with them (and hopefully enough time will have passed that the people that were spoken to directly about our issues will have moved on – we’re pretty sure Nurse Bobble Head would have been one and she didn’t seem to like us much to begin with!). K will have had the lap and the Dr will have dealt with the endo – we’re planning on the second cycle after that for IVF to begin which was his optimum timeframe.

The best part is we will be incredibly relaxed, because we’ve gone ahead and booked a trip to Hawaii in June to coincide with my 30th birthday! Although it’s still 7 months away we are wickedly excited about this. It was fairly spur of the moment, we’d started thinking about going to Australia or one of the Pacific Islands but we saw that there were very cheap Hawaii deals for not much more money. They ended only a couple of days after we first saw them and we didn’t think K would be able to get time off work during the school term but she did so we dashed around looking for the most competitive quote and then booked and paid pretty much within a day. So unlike us but so glad we did. We figure that it should be before the ivf cycle begins but at worst K will only be starting the BCP so that’s easy enough.

So we’re building on the good, and once the school year is over it will be easier I’m sure. For now we’re muddling through, as usual.

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About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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6 Responses to The trees for the forest

  1. “There are so many psuedo regrets I have about all of this, I call them pseudo regrets because for most of them at least I can honestly say that we made the best decision we could at the time with the information we had. And if you can say that, how can you regret it?”

    I’m so glad that you can recognize this. There is much power in affirming that you’ve always done your best with the information you had at the time.

    That said, I wish things had gone differently and more quickly for the two of you. This TTC business is incredibly hard on the soul, and two years of not knowing, that’s a lot to handle.

    I’m glad that you have a future timeline that now makes good sense to you, and I’m thrilled for you about the Hawaii trip. What a great plan. Even though relaxing doesn’t make babies, it certainly does make for relaxed people, and that’s a good thing in itself.

  2. thebao says:

    You are so right–you made the best decisions possible at the time. I think it’s so important to recognize when you are having to choose between TTC and your sanity and making the decision to save your sanity. Honoring your journey and recognizing its ups and downs is a key part of that.

    I so wish you had a quicker time of it, though, for sure.

    Hawaii sounds like bliss. Y’all are going to have an amazing time! 7 months from now is when it’s cold there, right? SUCH a good call. xoxo

  3. Strawberry says:

    Hindsight is 20/20, but you just never know what’s going to happen. It’s nothing you can or should blame yourself for. May 2010 be your fresh slate. I want to see belly pictures on those Hawaii beaches!

  4. tbean says:

    I could have written large chunks of this post. I also have the “we should have gotten to IVF sooner” thought. And then just as quickly, remember that we made the best decisions we could at the time we were making them with the information we had at the time. It’s all just so hard.

  5. poppycat says:

    The first half of this post really hits home for me. I am sad that you two have had to experience so many of the same things i have but in a way, it makes me feel so much less alone to know that you understand and that i understand you. i always dream of the day when you and i are on the other side of this. please let it happen sooner than later universe. I can’t stand to see you two go through any more.

    As for the rest, i hope the next part of this journey finds you fresh and full of new hope and renewed energy. i think a trip to HI is a perfect prescription!!! Kauai is my favorite island and i hope you have a chance to go there – very rustic, casual and not crowded at all. If you plan to visit that island and want recommendations let me know.

    hugs and kisses to both of you from way over here and congrats on two years of wonderful blogging.

  6. Gayby Rabies says:

    I started to comment on this post at least 4 times, but kept re-reading what you had written and ended up getting timed out. I wanted to write some brilliant comment here, but you’ve already said it all. Everything you said just hits home so much. I’m so glad that this journey has strengthened your relationship, rather than torn you apart. I’m happy to see that this break is giving you a chance to live a little. Hawaii sounds like the perfect getaway.

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