The last week has been up and down, but mostly down. We’ve been waiting for the clinic to phone back about things – the rude caller told us they would, but at the same time not really wanting to talk to them. I spent a couple of nights last week going through this blog and writing down all the times that they have fucked up in preparation for The Letter. It was kind of weird reading our whole blog – seeing again all of the ups and downs, the naive excitement and blind hope that we had in the beginning that has just been knocked down again and again. It made me sad but mostly very very tired. And after all that I just couldn’t bring myself to find the energy to write the letter.
I think avoidance would be the term. We’ve not really talked about things too much, there’s not really much to talk about though – we’re in a waiting phase whether we like it or not.
The clinic director phoned today and spoke to K. She was very apologetic about the ‘mix up’ and said that she had spoken to our dr and what he had meant was that we could do a private cycle in March/April while on the waiting list. Not at all what either of us heard in the appointment but there’s no point in arguing. The funding is all allocated by the government so she explained that they actually have no choice in when we can use it, and that the dr is using all his weight just to get us onto the waiting list prior to losing the weight. It still sucks but it’s how it is. She did tell K that we should definitely write the letter to her with all of our complaints so she can deal with that, so she is doing that as we speak. She was also shocked by how the rude admin lady spoke to her about her weight last week – as K said it wasn’t so much what she said to her but the way she said it.
Right now, we are both officially trying to lose weight, it will be a long hard road but we are both in it. We may end up paying for another private cycle at some point next year, because according to all the testing K’s fertile window will likely be closing before we get to the top of the waiting list. If we do try another private cycle, and it fails, we will of course still do the freebie anyway but I suspect it would be hard to hope.
So at the moment, for now, things ttc are on hold. It’s sad for a lot of reasons. We need this time to sort ourselves out, but damn it feels like a long time. I think we are starting to come to terms with it now, it’s hard and it’s sad but in a way it just is. Maybe that’s just avoidance again. I feel a little sad that whenever we try again you all will have moved on way down the track from us. But that is my biggest wish right now – that when we try our next cycle in 6, 9, 12, 16 months time, none of you are still in this hell with us. I really really hope that.
We’ll still be blogging, there’s a few things on our minds that we need to work through but no doubt not quite to the point of NaBloPoMo. Although that said, I’m sure we’ll post the letter once it’s finished so who knows – maybe we’ll be in it yet!
That said, I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting much lately but I mostly read on my mobile and comenting when I get home at night just seems so exhausting right now. However, I am still here following along – celebrating, crying and hoping with you all.
My thoughts are particularly with those of you dealing with losses and on the flip side, those of you preparing to welcome your new baby home – some in just a matter of days now!