….. Hello, is there anybody listening? ….

Dear God / universe

I hate to point it out, seen as you are the creator of all and generally thought to be perfect, but it appears you have made a mistake.  I’m supposed to be pregnant, and I’m not.  Now, I’m a reasonable person and I know good things take time but I believe my application may have been lost because I cannot understand how you would allow me to go through so much for nothing in return.  Surely it is an oversight.

You see, I have done everything I can do.  I have worked hard, saved my money and paid for 12 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle.  I have undergone numerous proceedures that have caused me a great deal of pain.  I have filled probably close to 100 vials of blood for blood tests, and used my one remaining good vein to the point where it is permanently scarred.  I have spent hundreds of hours waiting for appointments or tests.  I have faithfully attended accupuncture appointments.  I have drunk hundreds of cups of foul tasting chinese herbs.  I have tried hard to lose weight.  I have eaten eggs and pineapple on the appropriate days of my tww.  I have feng shui ‘d my house.  I have moved my copious amounts of baby clothes to the eastern most bedroom.  I have planted parsley.  I have avoided caffiene, chocolate and alcohol during 13 sets of tww.  I have taken supplements.  I have injected myself with drugs.  I have prayed every night.  I have wished others well in their pregnancies and not allowed myself to bear any ill feeling towards them.  I have endured several students getting pregnant with no effort, and then watched them fail to show any real concern towards their baby’s health.  And I have done all these things in good faith, with a positive attitude and with continued strength.  And yet, still no baby.  It is not ok.  It is not ok that you have made my wife cry.  It is not ok that I have delivered the news that “No I am not pregnant” on 13 occasions to our many supporters and felt as though I have let everyone down.  I have seen the visible disappointment in their eyes and felt responsible for that.  I have felt guilty that the nurses from the clinic have to keep delivering us difficult news.  I have spent the aftermath of all 13 negative results assuring everyone else that I am ok, so they don’t feel bad or uncomfortable.  I am not ok.  I feel ripped off.  I am a good person – do you not think I will be a fit parent?  It appears a mistake has been made, and yes even though you are perfect you may have fucked up.

It has been a tough week.  We have been up and down and all over the place. I never expected we would get a negative result with IVF, and I certainly never thought the aftermath would be this hard.  Tui rang the clinic to try and sort our follow up appointment with the doctor, only to be told that there were no appointments until NEXT YEAR!  Needless to say that added considerable stress to an already unbearable situation.

I went to Mrs CMM on tuesday and had to tell her it hadn’t worked, she was really disappointed and said my pulse still showed I was in good shape to have gotten pregnant.  So I guess it all really comes back to the embryo quality.  Even though AF had arrived, it was a bit of a nothing event and I felt as though I had all this crap inside of me that I needed to get rid of.  So she gave me some needles to help me have a good bleed, and it worked well – a bit too well as I had to come home early from work on Wednesday to change clothes. 

Meanwhile Tui had rung to try to get us in for a counselling appointment, and while one was planned for the following week, once she heard I was heading home early she rang back and landed the earlier appointment that was offered to us for that afternoon.  It all worked out nicely as I was 5 minutes from her work when she rang to say we had the appointment, and after picking her up we had just enough time to stop at home and get to town on time for the appointment.

It was really good speaking to the counsellor.  She had some helpful ideas for us and really it was just good to know that she was on our side.  She said our follow up appointment should be within two weeks of the result, and leave it to her she would sort it.  She also gave us the name of the clinic director who we can go to about our complaints should we choose to.  Basically she just helped us feel a whole lot better.  The only thing I’m not sure on is that she is suggesting a complete break for two years.  She wants me to lose weight (who doesn’t) and thinks we just need to live our lives for that length of time and concentrate on our lifestyle.  Based on our AMH test I don’t have that long so I’m not sure what to do.

Anyway this afternoon I got a call from the clinic to say they had an appointment for us this Saturday morning at 8am – no doubt thanks to our counsellor!  So we will be compiling a large list of questions and getting lots to think about over our long weekend.  We are really looking forward to our long weekend away.  We definately need the break.

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12 Responses to ….. Hello, is there anybody listening? ….

  1. vee says:

    Somebody fucked up, that’s for sure, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t you two. So sorry. And can I just say !! over the suggestion to wait 2 years?!

  2. I hope your appointment goes well and you get good answers to your questions.

    Taking two years off is a hard decision, and it’s along time to take off. Wow, I can’t imagine being able to do that. When you want something really bad and it’s constantly on your mind, how could you let it go?

    I also hope that you have a really restful weekend away and that you can spend time together, and and you can decide what step to take next.

  3. A. says:

    I’m SO glad you got that appointment!! I hope you get some answers.

  4. S says:

    two years off?! thats a loonng time! glad to hear you were able to get an appointment saturday, hope some of your questions get satisfactorily answered.
    enjoy your weekend away!

  5. Jen says:

    I am so sorry that it was another BFN. This blows, and there are really no words to do it justice. Glad you are seeing a counselor and maybe, hopefully your appt on Sat will prove helpful. Hugs.

  6. strawberry says:

    You didn’t let us down….the Universe let all of us down by not having you get pregnant. I hope the counseling helps improve your mindset…but two years off is a bit much!

  7. GaybyRabies says:

    I know these feelings all too well. It sucks. I agree, someone or something has made a huge mistake. I’m glad to hear that the counsellor was able to get you an appointment so quickly. It’s awful to have to wait around with no answers. I hope the doctors can shed some light onto what happened and give you good ideas for moving forward.

  8. Olive says:

    It’s ok to be not ok. I know what it’s like to spend energy convincing everyone that You Are Okay when things really suck. People can deal with it – you need room to grieve.

    I’m glad the counselor appointment was good and she had helpful suggestions for you. The two year break suggestion, however, strikes me as completely insane…I can’t imagine two years off and I can’t imagine pausing like and being able to put ttc aside. But maybe I don’t know how to be open minded about that kind of suggestion.

    Lots of hugs from here.

  9. Heidi says:

    I’m so sorry. I wish that I could wrap you up and protect you.

  10. Meredith says:

    Wow- your opening words brought tears to my eyes. I’m so so sorry for all that you’ve been through- but so glad that the counselor enabled an earlier appointment.

    (and I think a 2 year break is absolutely crazy!)

    :::hugs:::

  11. thebao says:

    Oh Tui. I am heartachy and in tears over here for you. I am so sorry that you all are having to go through this. I’m sending lots of hugs your way.

  12. poppycat says:

    I wanted to comment on this before but I was at work and too distracted to do it properly. I can only imagine the anger and pain this has caused you. I know there are so many questions. I also know there is no good reason why this happened, just that sometimes everything goes to shit no matter how hard you try to keep it from happening. You are so deserving, so loving, so wonderful and you should be parents, you really should. I don’t know why this happens to some of us but I do know it isn’t because we aren’t worthy. We are, you are. I don’t know how, but I hope you find some peace and comfort after this and I hope the solution you need presents itself to you very soon. You have paid your dues and then some and you deserve every hapiness in the world. I am thinking of you, wishing for your dreams to come true and cheering you on to whatever your next step is. xoxo

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