We’re surviving, it’s been a weird weekend, we have even surprised ourselves by actually catching ourselves laughing at times.
We even took ourselves to the movies this afternoon to see Couples Retreat. Which FYI has one of the main couples struggling with infertility and the impact on their relationship – had we known that we probably would have skipped it this weekend! I think our friend who went with us probably thought ‘oh shit this is going to get messy’ when that one came up lol.
Interspersed with all of that of course has been the inevitable waves of overwhelming sadness and anger – mostly anger.
We are so pissed off. Pissed off that it has taken this long. Pissed off that after our hellish experience with the transfer it still didn’t work. Pissed off that any of us have to deal with this shit. Pissed off that we spent $13 on a useless non-winning lotto ticket yesterday.
But mostly we’re pissed off that after all this time, we’re only just now dealing with K probably having endometriosis. I mean, I know that there is very little information They get from failed IUIs, I get that. But now all of a sudden they are convinced that K has endometriosis, and it looks like this may have affected her egg quality. I am so surprised this wasn’t mentioned earlier. She has always had terrible periods. Absolutely horrible cramping. They know this. So when the Dr suggested a laproscopy as a possible option for investigating things last year, why didn’t he consider endo as an issue?
See, with a diagnosis/query of endometriosis, the laproscopy becomes insurable. Had he made the connection then that K might have endometriosis, and insurance would have covered it, we would have done it then. At $7-8000 out of our own pockets, it wasn’t an option but insurance and the knowledge of endo would have changed everything. We would have done it then and not wasted the last 12 months and $15000. It may not have been the answer but it pisses me off that they are so damn sure now, yet it wasn’t even considered then when they had ample symptoms to listen too. Instead, they continued down the party line of ‘well it can take up to a year…’.
Dr Workplace talked to us a bit about this all after the failed transfer when we were trying to decide what to do with that whole thing, but she isn’t our normal doc and therefore didn’t know history. She did say that if we were to try again, it would be a good idea to have a cervix dilation done beforehand, and this could be done at the same time as the laproscopy.
Oh and by the way I keep forgetting to blog about it, but a couple of days after the successful transfer (with a different dr) she phoned and left us a lovely message saying how pleased she was that we did get the embryos replaced after all and that she was hoping for us.
So at this point, we’re waiting to get an appointment for a review with our usual Dr and hoping they can get us in quickly, not wait for 2 months like usual.
As best we can tell, our options are:
- Switch up and try with me. There are issues with this, not the least being K dealing with the emotions this would bring up, but also some health issues of mine. I will blog about this at some point no doubt, but suffice to say it scares me right now. Probably groundless fears, but they’re there all the same.
- K’s sister has offered quite some time ago to donate her eggs. This is a huge gesture on her part and one we are very grateful for. We are not sure if this is an option we would definitely use, but it would give K a chance to have a child biologically related to her. Plus she is super fertile (5 kids under 9). This would need to go to the national ethics committee to be okayed, we’re not sure what their criteria is though and it would cost a lot of money that we don’t have right now. But with her age, if we were to consider this at some point in the future, we need to decided to retrieve the eggs sooner rather than later.
- Using my eggs as donor eggs. This is probably my ideal right now, but again the cost is a huge factor. I think the dr at the failed transfer said that because we’re partners it would be straight forward, no ethics committee, but to be honest that conversation is a bit of a blur.
- If K does have endometriosis, and does have the laproscopy, then we may even consider trying a medicated IUI just to see what happens afterwards.
So as you can see we have a lot to discuss at this review, and some big decisions to make.
We got ourselves into a lot of debt for this ivf cycle, and even now I don’t think we would have done it any differently, but it kind of limits what we do next. We always said that ivf was a one shot deal, but already I can ourselves trying to stretch that definition out. Hence that attempted lotto win.
We are in no way ready to give up on this yet, but those thoughts are starting to work their way into our conversations. The what if’s. We don’t know where it is yet, and we’re not putting any timeframes on it, but I guess there has to be an end point somewhere. We are sick of having our lives on hold for this. There is so much that we want to do but we can’t because we want this so damn bad. So many weekends away and visits to family and friends that we haven’t made because of blood tests, or waiting for ovulation, or just can’t plan ahead in time.
That said, the first thing we did after getting the news was book a holiday at the beach for next weekend. It’s a long weekend here, and I found a really good last minute deal on a hotel so we’re making the most of it. We’re hoping for sun but even if it is rainy and stormy we’re determined to forget everything and have fun.