The Day After

We’re surviving, it’s been a weird weekend, we have even surprised ourselves by actually catching ourselves laughing at times.

We even took ourselves to the movies this afternoon to see Couples Retreat. Which FYI has one of the main couples struggling with infertility and the impact on their relationship – had we known that we probably would have skipped it this weekend! I think our friend who went with us probably thought ‘oh shit this is going to get messy’ when that one came up lol.

Interspersed with all of that of course has been the inevitable waves of overwhelming sadness and anger – mostly anger.

We are so pissed off. Pissed off that it has taken this long. Pissed off that after our hellish experience with the transfer it still didn’t work. Pissed off that any of us have to deal with this shit. Pissed off that we spent $13 on a useless non-winning lotto ticket yesterday.

But mostly we’re pissed off that after all this time, we’re only just now dealing with K probably having endometriosis. I mean, I know that there is very little information They get from failed IUIs, I get that. But now all of a sudden they are convinced that K has endometriosis, and it looks like this may have affected her egg quality. I am so surprised this wasn’t mentioned earlier. She has always had terrible periods. Absolutely horrible cramping. They know this. So when the Dr suggested a laproscopy as a possible option for investigating things last year, why didn’t he consider endo as an issue?

See, with a diagnosis/query of endometriosis, the laproscopy becomes insurable. Had he made the connection then that K might have endometriosis, and insurance would have covered it, we would have done it then. At $7-8000 out of our own pockets, it wasn’t an option but insurance and the knowledge of endo would have changed everything. We would have done it then and not wasted the last 12 months and $15000. It may not have been the answer but it pisses me off that they are so damn sure now, yet it wasn’t even considered then when they had ample symptoms to listen too. Instead, they continued down the party line of ‘well it can take up to a year…’.

Dr Workplace talked to us a bit about this all after the failed transfer when we were trying to decide what to do with that whole thing, but she isn’t our normal doc and therefore didn’t know history. She did say that if we were to try again, it would be a good idea to have a cervix dilation done beforehand, and this could be done at the same time as the laproscopy.

Oh and by the way I keep forgetting to blog about it, but a couple of days after the successful transfer (with a different dr) she phoned and left us a lovely message saying how pleased she was that we did get the embryos replaced after all and that she was hoping for us.

So at this point, we’re waiting to get an appointment for a review with our usual Dr and hoping they can get us in quickly, not wait for 2 months like usual.

As best we can tell, our options are:

  • Switch up and try with me. There are issues with this, not the least being K dealing with the emotions this would bring up, but also some health issues of mine. I will blog about this at some point no doubt, but suffice to say it scares me right now. Probably groundless fears, but they’re there all the same.
  • K’s sister has offered quite some time ago to donate her eggs. This is a huge gesture on her part and one we are very grateful for. We are not sure if this is an option we would definitely use, but it would give K a chance to have a child biologically related to her. Plus she is super fertile (5 kids under 9). This would need to go to the national ethics committee to be okayed, we’re not sure what their criteria is though and it would cost a lot of money that we don’t have right now. But with her age, if we were to consider this at some point in the future, we need to decided to retrieve the eggs sooner rather than later.
  • Using my eggs as donor eggs. This is probably my ideal right now, but again the cost is a huge factor. I think the dr at the failed transfer said that because we’re partners it would be straight forward, no ethics committee, but to be honest that conversation is a bit of a blur.
  • If K does have endometriosis, and does have the laproscopy, then we may even consider trying a medicated IUI just to see what happens afterwards.

So as you can see we have a lot to discuss at this review, and some big decisions to make.

We got ourselves into a lot of debt for this ivf cycle, and even now I don’t think we would have done it any differently, but it kind of limits what we do next. We always said that ivf was a one shot deal, but already I can ourselves trying to stretch that definition out. Hence that attempted lotto win.

We are in no way ready to give up on this yet, but those thoughts are starting to work their way into our conversations. The what if’s. We don’t know where it is yet, and we’re not putting any timeframes on it, but I guess there has to be an end point somewhere. We are sick of having our lives on hold for this. There is so much that we want to do but we can’t because we want this so damn bad. So many weekends away and visits to family and friends that we haven’t made because of blood tests, or waiting for ovulation, or just can’t plan ahead in time.

That said, the first thing we did after getting the news was book a holiday at the beach for next weekend. It’s a long weekend here, and I found a really good last minute deal on a hotel so we’re making the most of it. We’re hoping for sun but even if it is rainy and stormy we’re determined to forget everything and have fun.

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About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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8 Responses to The Day After

  1. poppycat says:

    Oh sweet, sweet girls. This is too much to take. I cannot believe it didn’t work. Can.Not.Believe it. I’m so sorry. I can imagine how very angry you both are. It makes me a little sad that you live so far away because I would love to send you a care package but please know that you have a special place in my heart and in my head, and if I could be there to buy you a beer and give you a hug, I would be in a second. Be gentle with yourselves. xoxo.

  2. S. says:

    sending continued ♥ your way. glad to hear you’ve planned a weekend getaway, that sounds like a perfect way to escape and recharge.

  3. Gayby Rabies says:

    I’m so angry for you. I would be outraged that the doctors missed something like endometriosis even though K exhibited signs that she might have it. If nothing else, this might give you an answer as to why this attempt didn’t work, so if you do decide to go try again with her eggs and her body you might know how to change the protocol a bit.

    I’m glad to hear you’re treating yourselves to a weekend away next week. I hope that while your deciding how to proceed, you can take some time to have fun and really live your lives. It’s so hard to miss out on the fun stuff because you can’t plan more than two weeks ahead. Like Poppy said, I wish I could be there to give you a hug and share a drink with you…or the whole bottle.

  4. Next in line says:

    You girls are troupers.

    Each time I read about your clinic trials I get mad. At our first clinic we went through such frustration and left their feeling like so much time and money had been wasted.

    I like all your options. Look into them at the same time if you can. Fertility and health care moves so slowly that exploring each one can take forever. It was a little strange for a while when F was waiting for surgery and I was starting to chart and see doctors, but we quickly got used to it and it saved us a lot of time.

  5. Suze says:

    I’m so sorry to hear your news… eHugs all around, and here’s to a good weekend away to recharge. Hang in there.

  6. Pufferfish says:

    I can’t imagine how you are feeling after all of this. Anger, sadness, confusion…
    Hopefully you will get some answers soon and can make decisions on what to do moving forward. I’m curious if your RE has ever given you an Ovarian Reserve Index text (FSH, AMH, Inhibin B, Estradiol)? It gives a result of 1 out of 30 (with 1 being the lowest possible score).
    I would think at this stage in the game, since it is a huge concern of yours, that might be a good test to take if you haven’t already.
    Big hugs from NYC to NZ.

  7. thebao says:

    Okay, I am ready to fly halfway around the world and knock some heads together. That is SO infuriating, frustrating, angry-making…RAR!
    Y’all have a lot to think and talk about, and I hope you find a decision that works for you both.
    Smart on you to go on vacation–I hope you get lots of nice relaxation time in and some good quality time together. Take care of each other and know I’m thinking of you. xoxo

  8. Olive says:

    I wish you didn’t have to face this incredibly difficult decision. It’s not what you should have to be discussing now and it’s not fair. But I know in my heart that you’ll get through it and get to your baby. I’m sending hugs. Enjoy your long weekend – it sounds like the perfect plan!

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