Pretty deep for a Tuesday night!

This tww is weird. It’s weird knowing that this is the last tww as we know it.

I for one am, if I let myself think about it too much, very nervous about testing on Saturday. If it’s negative, I’d rather keep the hope alive. But along with that, I find myself dealing with bursts of the most incredible excitement that sneak up on me at random times during the day. Today, for instance, it came when two co-workers were at my desk talking to each other.. um yeah busted for not following the conversation when they caught me grinning like an idiot lol.

This week I’ve also found myself thinking back over the past 20 months that we’ve been ttc and am blown away by how much has changed when it doesn’t seem like we’ve come that far.

We’ve had to put things on hold so often during this time. The big one is buying a house, obviously our money is going into this right now but we also know that if we get to ivf, we will have to borrow money and there’s no way we could afford to do that on top of a mortgage.  We’ve also wanted to travel more, our holidays over the past 2 years have really been only a night or two away here and there. Other than that we’ve stayed at home or with our parents. We’ve planned a couple of times now to go somewhere in the Pacific Islands or Australia but we’re always ttc. Planning a trip during the 2nd trimester only works if you get pregnant.

But there have also been some fantastic times too. I think we’ve learned a lot about what is important to us, and probably changed quite a bit too. 18 months ago we adopted our puppy, at the time we really weren’t sure that was a good idea when we were trying to get pregnant at the same time but as it turns out we’ve had plenty of time to let her grow up before bringing a baby into the mix! Workwise, we’ve both been up and down but in my case at least I’m well ahead of where I was then. If only we could get K a new job that paid as much as her current one and we’d be set.

It’s easy to write off this time as being wasted, but really I think we’ve learned so much that despite how frustrating and heartbreaking it has been valuable as well.  That’s not to say I don’t wish it could have gone differently of course, but no matter how hard you try we can’t change the past.

Even though we’ve gone through this together, we’ve had at times very different experiences and I think we’ve learned a lot about each other’s strengths and just how much we can rely on and help each other. We’ve learned just how much heartache we each can take before becoming a rocking, crying mess. We were a strong couple to begin with but through this we’ve just grown so much stronger. We’ve learned so much (literally) about this process and we’ve learned to become advocates for ourselves and each other when faced with Stupid People Who Should Know Better.

And we’ve done it with the support of all of you. Those of you have been there, done that; been there, doing it again; and trying damn hard to do it just one bloody time.

I have my blogs I visit when I want inspiration. You know the ones – the people that have struggled for so long to make their dream come true and finally it did. Some of you are those people! You all give me hope that it’s not over, that no matter how hard it might seem at any given time, it does happen. I’ve found myself lurking round those blogs a lot lately!

But most of all, no matter how short, long, easy, tough our roads may be, I’m grateful for the community that we have here. It’s something that we don’t have in our daily lives and something that we stumbled across one night while I was researching ttc before we started. We had no idea it existed but it has become such an important part of our lives it’s crazy.

I feel like we’re just round the corner from Something Big. And I really really hope that the Something Big is a BFP (25 days pregnant for anyone that’s counting).

Really. Hope.


About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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10 Responses to Pretty deep for a Tuesday night!

  1. S. says:

    i love that you are able to look back over the past 20 months and find so many positives. its easy to let the negatives become overwhelming during this process!

    hooray for being 25 days pregnant! ive got everything crossed for ya’ll! 🙂

  2. mingomama says:

    I have always heard the phrase it isn’t the destination, it is the journey and I’ve always thought that was bs in relation to TTC, but you are absolutely right. The things we can look back on and grow from over our journeys is amazing!!

    I can’t wait until Saturday!! Everything is crossed for a bfp!!!

  3. Olive says:

    I hope it’s right around the corner too! Our journey has been a really similar length to yours. It’s hard to believe how long it’s been sometimes even though it feels like an eternity. Thanks for your perspective on this very long wait. It’s good to be reminded that it’s not all lost time.

  4. Next in Line says:

    It is funny how so many things can be on hold and yet we can grow so much. Despite all the twists and turns and you are right it is still a journey. There is a lot for us to learn, grow and do.

    Now everything is crossed for you two girls to the point where I can’t work and can barely type!

  5. jen says:

    Beautiful post. TTC is a painful, just growing process that is both horrible and amazing. I too am so thankful for this blogland group that I stumbled upon. Hang in there, and keep up the positive vibes.

  6. luckylittle13 says:

    Well said. It’s good to remember that it isn’t all disappointment and sadness and that many great things have come from our struggles. Hooray for 25 days pregnant! I fully expect you girls to keep it up for another 8 1/2 months!

  7. queerstork says:

    “It’s easy to write off this time as being wasted, but really I think we’ve learned so much that despite how frustrating and heartbreaking it has been valuable as well. That’s not to say I don’t wish it could have gone differently of course, but no matter how hard you try we can’t change the past.”

    This sums it up perfectly. Beautifully written. It can be a challenge to remember thoughts like this but I’m working on it more and more lately. I hope that you are too and that it helps to heal and prepare for the big journey that is parenthood!

  8. Stacey says:

    i just got goosebumps at the end of that post….i think its coming too!!! i cant wait to hear!!! oh shit we are moving that day and wont have the ineternet for like another week or something past that, make sure you facebook message me as soon as, coz i can check that with my mobile!

  9. GaybyRabies says:

    I hear you. We’ve put so much on hold for the past year. Vacations, new car, clothes, nice restaurants, etc. It seems like a lot to have sacrificed to still be without a pregnancy. But I also feel like we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, and our relationship with each other has grown stronger.
    Congratulations to you on being 25 days pregnant. I can’t wait to see a photo of pee stick with 2 lines this Saturday!

  10. I’m so hoping Saturday brings amazing news.
    We’re all routing for you guys.

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