Through falling leaves I pick my way slowly

We have made a pact. Let’s call it the Positivity Pact. We all know how negative we were about the last cycle, so for this, our last cycle before IVF we’re going all out with the positivity. Nothing to lose, right?

 In order to do that, I’m just gonna let some of that pent up negativity out right here right now.  Actually it’s not all negative – it’s just not all positive! But there’s some real positive stuff at the end if you want to skip to that heh.

I have a lot of thoughts about this cycle. It seems like a retrospective time for me in a lot of ways. There are a lot of changes happening at work obviously, and some issues at K’s work are coming to a head too and it just seems as though we’re gearing up for something big.

Firstly, I really can’t believe that That Train is nearly in the station. We got the appointment in the mail today – 11 September, unless of course this next cycle works. I know we’ve mentioned IVF a few times, usually after a review with the doc, and we’ve said we had a few concerns but it always seemed like something for later. To be thought of later. To be talked about later. Way down the track (hey look I didn’t even intend to make that a train metaphor). But now that it’s practically here, it seems like everything’s changed. It has an air of inevitability around it. Financially we can’t really afford it. We will be taking out a loan to cover it, when 12 months ago we agreed we didn’t want to get into debt to do this – but hell a lot of things have changed since then. We would jump into a mortgage 20x this size in a heartbeat to get the house we wanted, and if this is the way we have to get our child then so be it. Actually a workmate of K’s who went through IVF with his wife said that to her way back – basically do it any way we can because when we hold our baby it will all be worth it.

 Of course if we’d not have spent all that money on ttc over the last 18 months then we’d have the ivf money saved already but let’s not travel that path! I firmly believe that you do what you believe is right at the time, with what you know at that time and there was no way we would have felt comfortable being any more invasive than required at the start.

 The thing that gets me at the moment, and it’s actually not necessarily in a negative/painful way – more a curiousity – is that I feel in a lot of ways like time has stood still. Yes the months are flying past, and lots has been happening but because we are still ttc it feels like nothing’s changed. It stands out most of all when another blogger writes about being in the 2nd trimester, or 3rd trimester, or a baby’s milestones. It’s cool and I’m happy for them but it truly surprises me each time I read those because I don’t feel that time has passed.

 We’ve actually been alright after this last bfn. I think the distractions really did help, but also the low/no expectations came through for us for a change. I was sad, angry and frustrated but it was almost in a resigned way and more so at the whole process than focussed on that one negative. Also, now I have my very own pregnant workmate with the kicking baby and 3d photos to share. And my ‘friend’ (who knows what we’ve been going through) who drags me over to look and say ‘this is what you need’. Yeah no kidding. Actually same ‘friend’ on the first day back at work after our 2nd to last bfn walked in and said to me ‘don’t ever have kids, they’re so not worth it. Yeah thanks. Good friend. Incidentally the same one I’ve complained about lately. And I’ll be sharing an office with her. Alone. But I digress J

 Speaking of work, I miss my old boss who would let me hide in her office and get mad at the unfairness of it all with me when we’d get a bfn. She always knew because I’d have to leave work at zero notice and was up front with her about it. Now we don’t have a team leader, nor the next manager up so at the moment I’m reporting directly to the General Manager. I don’t really want to have the whole baby-making conversation with her as she won’t be my direct supervisor in the end but depending when we insem I may have to.

 Also speaking of work, and negativity, tomorrow is our last day under the old structure so from Monday it will be a very different place. There are a heap of people finishing tomorrow (redundancies and ‘voluntary’ retirements) and between about 8 of them alone they’ve racked up over 200 years service. Needless to say, there’s a big party tomorrow night.

 In an email I got a couple of weeks ago was this passage which I’ve thought a lot about since:

 “I’d just like to mention that given that this is the period of matariki  (Maori New Year) – It is a time to give thanks for the past year,  to farewell those who have passed on and a time to think about, imagine and planning for the coming year, it is a  time of change and moving forward taking all that is good from the past.  So I think it is appropriate at this stage to say kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui ki a koutou ma te waa.  (Wishing all to be brave, strong and steadfast at this time). “

 It feels appropriate for a lot of things right now.

 So where are we now? CD4, day 2 of clomiphene and ready to get this cycle underway. It will be the cycle we get our bfp (hey, might as well start that positivity stuff right away).

In 9 days K will have her 12th insemination. In 23 days we will be going about our normal day, trying to push the thought of the blood test results out of our minds. Around lunch time we will get a phone from one of our two favourite nurses who will be very excited to tell us it’s postitive. And in 9 months we will be holding our beautiful baby girl/boy/oneofeach and that will definitely be a time of change and moving forward.

 After all, K is now 4 days pregnant.

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About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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10 Responses to Through falling leaves I pick my way slowly

  1. S. says:

    yay for positivity! ill be sending all manner of positive/good vibes your way this cycle!

  2. A. says:

    Loved your post. I know your positive attitude will bring you exactly what you want. xoxo

  3. mingomama says:

    That last sentence says it all!!!

    Happy endings await the two of you!! Or maybe it should be happy beginnings?

  4. Pufferfish says:

    Stay positive. I know it’s not easy, but you’re doing all you can.

  5. Jen says:

    Great post. Just start chanting, August is the month we will get pregnant, we will get pregnant in August. It oddly enough worked for me in April, so who knows! I will look forward to the post in a few weeks announcing a BFP!

  6. Suze says:

    Best of luck and keep that positive attitude! 4 days down, only a few more left 😉

  7. Next in Line says:

    Alright girls this is IT. BFP’s ahead. I can’t wait to jump up and down when I see pictures of your pee sticks.

  8. thebao says:

    Here it comes–this is totally your month! Great post, btw.

  9. Geek says:

    Love the 4 days pregnant thing.
    I’m currently 3 weeks pregnant- although a lack of sperm this month may have something to do with my inevitable miscarriage in just under 2 weeks.
    A bit of positive thinking can never do any harm. Go for it!

  10. poppycat says:

    Woo hoo! Lets start celebrating your BFP today shall we? I plan to toast you with a glass of wine today after work. No matter what the results are in 23 days, there is going to be a baby in your family in the next year and that’s something to cheer about!

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