Tired.

10 negatives. I don’t think we ever really thought we’d hit double digits.

It is hard. The weekend wasn’t actually too bad, we had a bit of sadness, anger, whatever but we mostly thought we were ok and looking forward to the next try. It hit today. Big time.

We have 2 more tries left before IVF.  Mr CMM seemed genuinely shocked when K said it didn’t work and he’s not sure what else he can do.

As I’ve said before, his aim is for K not to get any period pain at all, he says that is the sign that all is well and ready to get pregnant. Well K has had a fair bit of pain again this month so if you believe that then it’s not a good sign.

It was really a pretty shitty weekend all round. Among other things we found out that I  have whooping cough, have had for a couple of weeks but only got diagnosed on Sunday when I went back to the dr .  Apparently it will last a few more weeks too. Yay. The worst is at night, waking up coughing and not being able to breathe, and vomiting after I cough – I tell you if I feel this bad as an adult, I would hate to see a baby with this – it sucks!! And my poor wife hasn’t had an unbroken night’s sleep for a while either!

Last week of the school term for K so a very much needed break coming up. We’re still deciding whether or not to try in July, I think we’re leaning towards yes but still not quite sure. There is a slim chance that the insem could fall on the day we’re supposed to be out of town for her sister’s 40th birthday which could be difficult – maybe a lot of driving back and forth to make sure we don’t miss out on either, but hopefully we’ll get some good timing for a change and get to enjoy the party.

We’re really torn on trying or not. On one hand, we only have 2 tries left and we’re not sure we’re ready to be done yet – spreading them out and letting this settle in between tries can seem like a good option. On the other hand, we only have 2 tries left and if it’s not going to work, it would be good to get them out of the way so we can get on to the next part, whatever that may be.

I don’t know, it just seems like there’s always so many early symptoms – the main one being definite cramping around implantation time – that we can’t help but wonder if the egg is fertilizing but it’s not implanting? And if that’s the case, will IVF be any better?

The AMH test came back pretty low – like somewhere in the 5th percentile for egg reserves. Basically that can be an indicator that there is only a couple of years of good eggs left – so not really a good result for a 32 year old woman. At least that’s my unskilled, tired explaination of it. So basically we are feeling the pressure a bit timewise. Especially if we want to get K pregnant twice. For that reason alone (and there are others) we’re not even looking at the option of switching up – who knows, by the time we got back to K it could be too late).

This also means that if we don’t get pregnant in the next two tries, IVF will have to be out of our own pocket. If we did manage to qualify for any funding, it would likely be another year or so until we got to the top of the waiting list – which isn’t ideal based on the AMH test (and yes I know that’s not the be all and end all and there is some doubt about it out there but it’s all we’ve got right now). 

Anyway it’s late, we’re tired and probably overwhelmed with all this right now.

We’ll be ok, it’s just so hard to know what to do sometimes.