Tired.

10 negatives. I don’t think we ever really thought we’d hit double digits.

It is hard. The weekend wasn’t actually too bad, we had a bit of sadness, anger, whatever but we mostly thought we were ok and looking forward to the next try. It hit today. Big time.

We have 2 more tries left before IVF.  Mr CMM seemed genuinely shocked when K said it didn’t work and he’s not sure what else he can do.

As I’ve said before, his aim is for K not to get any period pain at all, he says that is the sign that all is well and ready to get pregnant. Well K has had a fair bit of pain again this month so if you believe that then it’s not a good sign.

It was really a pretty shitty weekend all round. Among other things we found out that I  have whooping cough, have had for a couple of weeks but only got diagnosed on Sunday when I went back to the dr .  Apparently it will last a few more weeks too. Yay. The worst is at night, waking up coughing and not being able to breathe, and vomiting after I cough – I tell you if I feel this bad as an adult, I would hate to see a baby with this – it sucks!! And my poor wife hasn’t had an unbroken night’s sleep for a while either!

Last week of the school term for K so a very much needed break coming up. We’re still deciding whether or not to try in July, I think we’re leaning towards yes but still not quite sure. There is a slim chance that the insem could fall on the day we’re supposed to be out of town for her sister’s 40th birthday which could be difficult – maybe a lot of driving back and forth to make sure we don’t miss out on either, but hopefully we’ll get some good timing for a change and get to enjoy the party.

We’re really torn on trying or not. On one hand, we only have 2 tries left and we’re not sure we’re ready to be done yet – spreading them out and letting this settle in between tries can seem like a good option. On the other hand, we only have 2 tries left and if it’s not going to work, it would be good to get them out of the way so we can get on to the next part, whatever that may be.

I don’t know, it just seems like there’s always so many early symptoms – the main one being definite cramping around implantation time – that we can’t help but wonder if the egg is fertilizing but it’s not implanting? And if that’s the case, will IVF be any better?

The AMH test came back pretty low – like somewhere in the 5th percentile for egg reserves. Basically that can be an indicator that there is only a couple of years of good eggs left – so not really a good result for a 32 year old woman. At least that’s my unskilled, tired explaination of it. So basically we are feeling the pressure a bit timewise. Especially if we want to get K pregnant twice. For that reason alone (and there are others) we’re not even looking at the option of switching up – who knows, by the time we got back to K it could be too late).

This also means that if we don’t get pregnant in the next two tries, IVF will have to be out of our own pocket. If we did manage to qualify for any funding, it would likely be another year or so until we got to the top of the waiting list – which isn’t ideal based on the AMH test (and yes I know that’s not the be all and end all and there is some doubt about it out there but it’s all we’ve got right now). 

Anyway it’s late, we’re tired and probably overwhelmed with all this right now.

We’ll be ok, it’s just so hard to know what to do sometimes.

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About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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13 Responses to Tired.

  1. A. says:

    Oh, Tui, I’m so sorry. What a heartbreak.

  2. Pufferfish says:

    I’ve been away for a few days and just now read your blog and the bad news. I’m really sorry. I know you have a lot of decisions to make now and they are not easy ones.

  3. I’m sorry, and I wish it weren’t this hard for you. I’ve been thinking about you, and hope there is an answer soon.

  4. thebao says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear about your BFN. I’ll be thinking about you ladies. I hope you feel better soon. Good luck with making some very difficult decisions.

  5. poppycat says:

    Big love and hugs to you both. I say move full steam ahead. I am on the fast track to IVF too and I finally say that with a bit of relief. I hope you don’t have to make that decision though and that #11 will be your ticket out of this dump! xoxo

  6. Next in Line says:

    Dam it is hard to make this kind of decisions without a crystal ball. Trying for long can be really discouraging. IVF has such better odds. If you are going to have to pay out of pocket maybe sooner is better than later? I wish I could give you your fertility ticket with directions and a timeline on it.

  7. So sorry about the BFN 😦 We are thinking about you girls and hoping that you find the answers you are looking for soon! For the record, we are big advocates of IVF (obviously) 🙂

  8. Gayby Rabies says:

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re faced with so many difficult choices- and that you have to try to think about all of this while you have whooping cough! BFN #10 really sucks. I’m at number 9 now, and the thought of hitting double digits really scares me. I hope you have a sudden moment of clarity where you know exactly how to proceed. Or maybe you can find a large suitcase filled with money…that would be nice too.

  9. luckylittle13 says:

    It seems like so many of us are counting down the days (or cycles) until we can start IVF. This whole process sucks.

  10. Tiff says:

    Awh man. I’m so so sorry! Sending you love.

  11. Stacey says:

    i so wish i knew how it was going to work out so could tell u which way to go….all we can do is keep sending lots of love xxx

  12. Heidi says:

    I’m so sorry. I want to learn to be psychic so that I can tell us all exactly when we are getting our happy endings.

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