36 hours til test time. So about 40 or so until we find out. I’m not impatient at all, nuh uh.
This week has just seemed to drag on forever, it hasn’t helped that it has been freezing cold and most nights we’ve had -4 degree frosts.
So normally by now K would be telling me that she’s starting to feel periody, and we’d be starting to temper our excitement with the reality of what could have been pregnancy symptoms morphing into very much pms symptoms.
The self-protection impulse kicks in, and we start to tell ourselves that yes her period is coming, but it’s okay it’ll happen next time, we’re going to be really busy for the month anyway so maybe it’s a good thing (for the record that one never really works). All the while still holding out that tiny sliver of hope that we’re wrong, that this in fact THE month, that the test will in fact have a surprise positive.
Only this month, there are no such PMS feelings. Of course it might just still be too early for that, after all we all know what a notorious mind fuck the tww is. And with the ‘erbs and all, K isn’t supposed to get cramps before it arrives – but she still says she can usually feel it coming, and so far so good.
There have been symptoms. Or things that can be attributed to symptoms.
I feel like I’m walking such a fine line. On one hand, I don’t want to get too excited. Get my hopes up yet again only to have them crushed in less than 2 days time. I want to protect myself from the disappointment, pain, anger.. everything.. of another bfn. I don’t want K to get her hopes up. I don’t want her to have to go through those same feelings – but more too because I know she also has to deal with feelings of guilt. I don’t agree that any of this is her fault, that there is any guilt to be laid at her door but I know she feels it despite what I say.
But the flip side of that is.. this might be THE month. And if it is, I want to feel the excitement right from the start. I don’t want to let my brain talk my heart out of it ‘just in case’. If this is the month, then I want to enjoy it. Even if it means setting myself up for a big fall.
We decided a long time back that we wouldn’t test at home, just wait for the blood test and the phone call from the nurse. So that’s what it’s all come down to again. Waiting for that bloody phone call.
TGIF tomorrow. And for an extra Friday bonus, I’m working out of a different office which happens to be in the town that K works in, so I’ll get to visit her for lunch for the first time ever. Yay!