Patience makes her heart grow stronger

We’re not trying this month.  After being so damn sure that May would be the one, after looking forward to May for so long, we’re not trying.

Mr Chinese Medicine Man is pretty certain that when K has a period with no cramps, that will be the sign that all is well reproductively speaking, and that will be the month we get our bfp. The ‘erbs, acupuncture , avoiding cold foods and drinks, keeping feet and hands warm and minimising stress are designed to get us there. Unfortunately, it is now CD2 and this cycle is definitely not pain free. To prove that it could happen, January was pain free but we didn’t try then.

The pain is definitely better than it was, but it’s still not quite the green light. Yes we could do it anyway, after all it’s our decision not his, and while we have faith in him and have seen the tremendous help that K has got from all of this in other areas there is no guarantee he is right about this. After all, people with period pain get pregnant all the time, right? It may be the sign he’s waiting for, but surely it’s not the be all and end all, right?

The trouble is that negativity has creeped in. It would be easy just to go ahead and try anyway but it’s hard to ignore the negativity and the adamency of someone we trust so much. So much so that despite being convinced a few weeks ago that May would be the one, K in particular is not holding much hope for this month at all now. And what do we have if we don’t have hope?

For myself, I find it hard to be patient. All this waiting and breaking is hard. But at the same time, it’s not a bfn. If we break this month again, we will not be dealing with the heartbreaking news of another bfn. That sounds like a cop out but it’s true. There is no way in hell I am ready to stop trying, but the more bfns we get the harder it is to stop ignoring the fact that the end has to be somewhere.

This weekend we have talked and cried a lot about this. It is hard. For the first time one of us mentioned the idea that maybe we won’t have kids. We’ll be the crazy lesbians with the house full of cats and dogs. It is hard. I looked over at the bookcase while I was hugging K yesterday. I could see the few pregancy books we bought/were given and I couldn’t believe that 2 years ago we were so hopeful, so certain it would happen by the end of that year. I remembered getting those books and having that crazy surge of happiness inside at the thought that we were so close to that dream. So close and yet so very far away as it has turned out.

I haven’t mentioned it before but we have a room full of baby clothes. It is bitter sweet. And hopefully not a jinx. When we first starting trying, K’s sister was cleaning out her kids clothes so offered us first pick. It started as just a few nice dresses or smart outfits. Since then she’s had another baby and they’ve all grown even more as has our pile of hand-me-downs. We now have a dresser, bedside table and another couple of rubbish bags full. We also have a few onesies we bought on our trip overseas that we couldn’t resist. Sometimes we just sit on the spare room bed and look through them. It is as equally sad as it gives us hope.

In a way with a break I feel like we’re buying time. This year has been crazy mad already. K is off on camp next week again, the 2nd straight week in a row and the 3rd school week in a row (holidays were in the middle). Among other things, last term she had athletics and swimming sports – all designed to get the big events out of the way early in the year so that when she gets pregnant she won’t have those stresses to deal with. As a result, she’s pretty exhausted. Which was always going to happen. In superb timing (well maybe would have been better before all the above happened, but we can’t change that), tomorrow night we begin our meditation/relaxation/stress management class.

We have a garage (and half a house) full of crap we want to get rid of. After next weekend, we’re going to spend the next 2 weekends putting all of our efforts into sorting our shit out. Literally. We’re going to declutter the house, reclaim the garage. We’re going to get on our bikes and go riding. We’re going to both take an extra day off after Queen’s Birthday Weekend and have a 4 day weekend together. Then we’re going to try in June. No matter what. We’re not going to get sucked into this same negative trap that we’re in now.

We have 3 more iui’s left. June, July, August. According to the horoscopes it will happen then lol Let’s hope so because we’re really not sold on the idea of IVF, nor the fact that it will take 6-12 months at least before we could afford to try even just one round.

Must check that lotto ticket.

I leave you with this song – for the record K’s not a huge fan of this group but they’re one of my faves. This song was on the radio one morning when we were driving to work after a bfn – it will be forever associated with that in my mind.


About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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7 Responses to Patience makes her heart grow stronger

  1. Jen says:

    Gosh- I understand the place you are at, but it will happen.

  2. S. says:

    i totally understand the fear of ending up the crazy childless lesbians with a houseful of animals 😉 you will get there though (to babyland, i mean). you will.

  3. queerstork says:

    I have that stack of books too… once pored over for exciting details of how the baby grows… now dusty and covered by other books on the shelves.

    The waiting is the hard part, the waiting combined with the not-knowing is impossible. I feel like if I wasn’t in such a rush for this all to happen, it would be easier to cope. It’s just getting to that state of mind that’s difficult.

    Do what you feel is right. I’m not sold on your acupuncturist’s theory.

  4. A. says:

    I’m so sorry you’re in a difficult place. I have complete faith that a BFP is in your future. HUGS.

  5. poppycat says:

    Oh that room full of baby clothes and pregnancy books – so bitter sweet.

    I think you should try next month no matter what the medicine man thinks. I am sorry for the set backs and the heartaches you two are dealing with but you have a good plan and you should keep pushing forward.

    Thinking of you.

  6. Heidi says:

    I am so sorry that you are stuck in limboland. It is an awful place to reside.

    Let the room of baby clothes serve as an inspiration, do not let it bring you down. I often look at the clothes we bought for our son and try to picture our next son in them.

    love and hugs.

  7. Sorry for the extended break but our fingers are crossed that your next cycle is THE cycle!! We agree with Heidi – let the baby clothes and books serve as an inspiration – it’s hard sometimes we know. We also had a room that just kept collecting onesies in with each cycle we did. It will all pay off in the end! Keep a positive outlook ladies – it WILL happen!

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