non bio musings

I signed up with ff the other day. We decided that we should start tracking my cycles so that when the time comes we will have lots of lovely data for the clinic.  See I have PCOS and sometimes (often) irregular cycles so at the moment we have no idea whatsoever if/when I ovulate. I’m pretty sure that some months I do but definitely some months I don’t. We spoke about it a little at our last appointment with the clinic dr, and even though it doesn’t necessarily mean I’d have trouble, and even though we’re not thinking about getting me pregnant now, it is one of our options so we thought I’d better start tracking.

It’s not working so well so far though – I suck at remembering to temp!

Incidentally, the clinic dr is the same dr I saw when I was first diagnosed with PCOS about 5 years ago. The first time we saw him back in the start of 2007 I think he recognised me, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t anymore.

Growing up, I always loved kids. My oldest niece was born when I was 10 ( I am the baby of my family by a long way!!) and by the time I was 18 I had  6 nieces and nephews and regularly babysat for others.  When I left school I worked in a childcare centre for a year, then went to teacher’s college to train to be an early childhood/kindergarten teacher. I loved being around kids. Loved it. Sadly (and this is one of my biggest regrets ever) a prolonged bout of teenage obstinence and a touch of rebellion against my father led me to quit teacher’s college and I never got back to it.

When we really committed to having children, we planned that K would carry 2 of them and I would carry 1. I have always been fairly ambivalent about being pregnant/giving birth etc. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that until we really talked about it, I never really imagined myself doing it.

Part of that is probably because growing up I couldn’t imagine myself getting married. When I was a young kid I imagined myself having a wife like my brothers, not being a wife, so I don’t think I ever actually thought about having kids myself – I mean I could imagine having a toddler quite easily but not biologically my own baby. And this was well before I even thought that I might possibly be gay (denial much?).

Then I met K. I don’t remember exactly when, but early on in our conversations we talked about the fact that we wanted kids. Although we were just friends at that point, by the time we did end up together kids were part of the package deal. K may correct me on this, but I don’t remember actually having a conversation about ‘should we have kids’. Plenty of conversations about if we were ready to have kids, or how long we should wait, but the fact that we would one day have a family of our own was pretty much a foregone conclusion. A natural progression.

We have many reasons for K trying to get pregnant first; she is 4 years older, my health issues (pcos and fibro mostly) but to be honest I was more than happy to sit back and let K go first.

As this year has gone on, I’ve started to visualise myself getting pregnant way more often and more easily than ever before. I’m still not ready to be pregnant myself, besides the fact that we’re going all the way with K before even thinking about changing up, but it’s something that I’m realising that I do actually want to do. One day.

Despite not having the urge to be pregnant, I have been super super clucky for the last couple of years. I want to hold our baby so badly that I swing from giddy anticipation to desperation to insane jealousy and sadness.

But I am so very lucky and grateful to be married to a wonderful woman who is trying her heart out to make this dream come true for both of us.

It will happen. Yes it will. We know this. Sure, we wish like hell it had happened already, but I know that it will happen.

Hopefully soon 🙂

P.S I have written this over several days and I’m not editing it. I’m too sleepy. I’ll probably regret that when I re-read it later lol

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About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
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5 Responses to non bio musings

  1. poppycat says:

    You are right, it will happen! You have the perfect foundation built and now you just need to add baby. Too bad baby hasn’t recieved the memo yet but I know it is on the way.

    My partner too wants children desperatly but she doesn’t want to carry them herself. I think she would if it was the only way but she would much prefer I do it and I am perfectly happy with that.

    Keep pushing forward! It is coming.

  2. S. says:

    hi! i see your comments frequently on blogs we both visit, so thought it time for me to come out of lurkdom here & say hi! 😉

    those early morning temps are so hard to remember. my partner was a trooper with them, but when my turn came, i knew there was no way!

    hope your baby finds you soon.

  3. Meredith says:

    I had to pop over and comment- your sentiments so closely echo mine, its almost scary.

    Not that it matters, but I’ve read that fertility friend type tracking rarely works for those of us with PCOS. I was however assured by my RE on Friday that the drugs available now are great at prompting ovulation (though I know we all prefer the concept of not having to be medicated).

  4. Next in Line says:

    I love that expression getting clucky.

    Good luck with the charting. I remember when I started charting just in case. It was a little strange when there were two thermometers beeping every morning, but soon it became normal. I also started charting with questionable fertility. I was happy to have the time to chart and see what happens with out the pressure of TTC. It also gave me time to start doing some alternative treatments.

  5. This is such a lovely post. I think it’s incredibly important to visualize the process so that your body, mind and heart are all prepared when that time finally arrives when you will try to conceive. FF provides some interesting data to mull over, but I can totally understand the forgetfulness about temping. If it’s important to you, just make it as easy as possible and incorporate it into your daily wake-up routine.

    You and K are going to be wonderful parents and it’s going to happen soon!

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