Will he or won’t he?

Before I go into what happened when we asked him, I just want to give a little history on my relationship with BD and what he means to me.

The story really goes back about 10 years to when BD and I met at university. We were in the same hostel (dorm) and although we hadn’t met before, it turned out we were from the same hometown. The first conversation I remember having with him didn’t involve much talking, just us playing game after game after game of pool in the common room. Seriously, the most talking between us was at the end of each game when one of us would just say ‘again?’.

Over the course of that year we became friends, and over the next couple of years kept getting closer. He came out to everyone first, although I don’t think it was a huge surprise to most of us, and his goal became getting me to visit the one and only gay bar with him (I was in deep denial at this point).

He was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life when I was at uni. He was the first person that I came out to. He was at my place to help me calm my nerves before I met K in person for the first time. He was there when I rejected K a few months later before we even got together. He was there when I realized I was a big idiot. He was there when I chose to rectify that situation and calmed my nerves again before I told K of my choice. He was there during the roughest part of K and I’s relationship. He was there standing beside me when we got married.

When I came out to him, the first thing he said was ‘welcome to the club’. I’m not sure when exactly the topic of kids came up but somewhere along the line he/we started joking that since we were both gay, we should have kids together. But that was all it was, a joke between two 20 year old, single gay people who had just realized they weren’t going to be able to have kids the usual way.

When K and I first got together, we were living about an hour’s drive apart. Not long after, we decided to move to another city altogether, about 5 hours away from both towns, so that we would be closed to her family.

A year later, BD decided to move up with us, unfortunately he didn’t have the best time and decided to move back about 10 months later. But in those 10 months, the three of us lived together and he and K had the chance to develop their own close relationship.

So when we started thinking about asking him to be our donor, it suddenly made sense.

We asked him via email/msn (I can’t actually remember which) if he would consider it. We kept it pretty simple and straight forward, not too many details at that point, but told him to ask as many questions as he wanted. We told him that we weren’t planning to do this for 18 months or so, so he had plenty of time to think but if he said no we would need to look at other options so we were asking early.

Then we waited. And waited. And for good measure, waited some more. As it turned out, saying ‘you have plenty of time to think’ may not have been the best move lol. He was unemployed at this point, so didn’t have access to the internet, or credit on his phone, so contact was pretty limited. For the next year or so, every time we talked to him, we would ask him if he had any questions, or if he had made a decision. He always said no, he was still thinking. (as much as I love this boy, he does take his time to do things).

Although this was ridiculously frustrating, we weren’t in a rush, so we waited. And waited. And for good measure, waited some more. I, in particular, hated that the few times we did speak to him we had to ask – it felt like that was all our friendship had become, and I didn’t want him to think I was only bothering talking to him to find out his answer.

In the meantime, there were other things happening in our lives; we decided we wanted to have our own house, and we wanted to travel overseas (particularly the U.K) before we had children.

We were all set to buy a house, spending every weekend traipsing through open home after open home, when K found out that her best friend (now living in London), was getting married. So this changed the timeline a little as now our goal was to save enough to make it to the wedding in July 2007. Everything we were planning now got lumped into a generic category; ‘after we get back from our trip we will…’, including baby plans.

Fast forward to about February 2007 and I am again talking to BD on MSN. I ask him if he has decided yet, not expecting much of an answer (being that it’s over a year since we first asked).

To my surprise, the message comes back ‘well, yes actually I have’.

During the waiting period, we had plenty of time to think about our choice of BD, and it had become pretty clear that there was no one else in our lives that we wanted to share this experience with. So when he said he had made a decision, I was freaking nervous!

I asked him what he had decided and he told me that he had had a dream that a woman (he couldn’t see her) was having his baby, and that in his dream he was really happy.

Of course, I had to check that this was actually a yes, and when he confirmed it, I sprinted down to the lounge and made K come and read it for herself. I can still feel how excited and happy we both were, holding each other and jumping up and down together.

We now had to decide HOW we were going to do this.

BD now lives about an 8 hour drive from us, and there was no way we were going to be able to manage/afford the travel required for at home inseminations; let alone on a monthly basis.

On top of that, at the time that we asked him, he was a single, 20-something guy and we wanted to make sure there would be no nasty surprises so testing was a must. We also didn’t feel at all right expecting him to abstain completely while we were ttc and to be perfectly honest that’s what we would have wanted if we did try at home.

The logistics really left us with only one choice; the clinic. Conveniently, the clinic that we are using has a branch in both cities. This meant that BD could do all his testing, counselling, donations etc down there, and they shipped it up to us when we were ready to start – far less complicated than trying to work it out ourselves.

Which brings us to now; decisions,testing, counselling, donations all done and 6 days into our 2nd tww.


About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
This entry was posted in BD, clinic, donor choices, friendship, In the Mixing Bowl. Bookmark the permalink.

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