To know or not to know?

Or in other words, how we came to choose BD as our donor…

This actually ended up being a mammoth post, so I’ve broken it up into three sections; how we decided to use a known donor, how we decided to ask BD, and other thoughts about the situation.

K and I knew right from the start that we both wanted to have children, and it wasn’t long into our relationship that we both knew we wanted to have them together. I, for one, didn’t really put any thought into how that was going to happen, it was just a given that one day…

We probably first starting thinking seriously about children about 3-4 years ago, and realised that it was going to take some planning and doing. We found out from some friends that the waiting list for donor sperm was about a year, so although we knew we weren’t ready at that point, we knew we had to get thinking so that when we were ready to take that step, we would be READY.

So, we looked at our options. At first, we seriously considered using an anonymous donor. In fact, I don’t remember actually seriously considering using someone we knew at first (that’s just me, K may have done). Of course, we’ve read stories about using a relative of the non-bio mother so we did briefly consider using one of my brothers (I have 3). But only briefly, as neither of us were real comfortable with that idea. We’re also not all that close due to big age gaps so it would have been hard to ask, and to be honest I don’t think any of them would have gone for it.

So we started thinking about using anonymous sperm. Around this time we talked about it with K’s family, and her mother in particular had very strong feelings about using an anonymous donor from the perspective of the child not knowing their roots (she has a huge interest in family history and genealogy).

While we accepted her opinion, we were still considering anonymous but the more we thought about it the more it made us think about it (vicious cycle that).

So our next step was to think, if we use a known donor; then who? We had always planned that K would have at least the first baby (due to her being slightly older, and me being slightly a wuss), so for me the idea of a known donor was hard.

I did not want anyone else that we knew to have, what I perceived at that time to be, a more important role in OUR child’s life. Like most lesbians, if I think about it too much, it devastates me that I can’t give my wife a child. Not even close, not at all possible, can’t even try. So the idea of someone else stepping into that role, even without an ongoing relationship with the child, well it sucks.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I too wanted our child to know who it’s father is. And it was pretty obvious to both of us that it would have to be someone that I was 100% comfortable with.

Which lead to the ‘sperm-shopping’. Of course we’ve heard more than our fair share of ‘why don’t you just sleep with someone’ comments, and one of K’s friends did kindly offered her husband’s sperm (although I don’t think he was too thrilled about it so we didn’t really consider it).

When it came down to thinking of individual men as being our child’s father, there was really only one person that we were both in agreement on; BD.


About Tui

30-something kiwi-lesbian-stay at home-Mama, raising our toddler son with my wife, two cats and one dog.
This entry was posted in anonymous vs known, BD, decisions, donor, In the Mixing Bowl. Bookmark the permalink.

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